Jill’s Founder’s Day ‘Choose- Your-Own-Adventure’ story

In elementary school, when the other noobz were reading books about kittens and vaguely historical revisionistic American Girl stories and Goosebumps books (full disclosure: I was too scared by the covers to even think about reading those things), I was a big fan of those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I liked them because they were badass and are til this day the only form of slightly highbrow literature that ONLY uses the second person. You don’t have to worry about useless stuff like character development because YOU are the only character and who freakin’ cares about your own development—let’s fight some snakes. Well, the biggest adventure at Vassar besides the school stuff is definitely Founder’s Day. There is drama and action! There are spinning tea cups of danger! There are HOSTILE INVADING PIRATES for God’s sake! Of course, all adventures need a spiritual guide. Don’t worry, I got this one. So, basically, welcome to Choose Your Own Adventure: Founder’s Day Edition in which I will tell you which choices to make (in Misc Humor Section, adventures choose you!) in order to have the most magical and least humiliating Founder’s Day ever. And it’s all going be in the second person, so hang on to your beer stein and crop top, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Of course in any adventure, you will need to know how to pack. It is a few days before Founder’s Day and you approach the merchandise table near the Retreat, bagel in hand, and leisurely peruse the table. You want to buy something because memories and stuff. What do you end up choosing? Do you choose the beer stein and tank top OR do you choose the beer stein and the shot glass? (Answer: This was an easy one so I hope you didn’t mess up. You obviously choose the beer stein and tank top and here’s why. This tank top is genius and hilarious. A Vassar shirt that says, “We’re All Mad Here,” can be worn on SO MANY DIFFERENT OCCASIONS. Fossil fuel dude comes back? Everyone break out the tank tops and show your hostility. Angry at your roommate? Tank top and silent treatment, she’ll get it. When something really bad happens the entire campus can wear the tank top and show ALL OF THE ANGER at the guilty party. The tank top is clearly the best investment. If you choose the beer stein and shot glass combo, I am so sorry why would you do that to yourself? It’s all about pacing. You don’t win a 10K by sprinting the first mile. )

You and your friends have made it to the field, sipping your craft beers and dancing to whatever hippie thing is playing on the speakers. You are suddenly attacked by a gang of pirates all the way from the distant land of Bard. They decide that it will be hilarious to tie you up with a rope and make you walk around with them. You find that it’s really not that hilarious. How do you escape? Do you use the copy of the Vassar Student Handbook that you, of course, always have on your person, to school them in rules involving hostile invading forces OR do you resign to be their captive forever, transfer to Bard and live out your days as a pirate wench/Bard sophomore? (Answer: I hope you brought your Student Handbook because it is the only way that you can get out of this sneaky pirate trap. In the case of a hostile invasion, you are able to reference the lesser-known section of the Student Handbook found on page 78 that teaches Vassar students how to negotiate with pirate kidnappers. The administration really does think of everything, don’t they!)

You have used your wits to escape the pirates. Well done. The next challenge you will face, however, is much more dangerous. You make your way across the field and bump into your seminar professor who is queuing up for a couple of tofu tacos. You have a few options at this point. Do you turn your back immediately and sprint directly into the woods OR do you start an extremely one-sided conversation about every feeling you have and will ever have about democratic peace theory? (Answer: I fooled you, it’s neither. You must at least smile and wave and make small talk with everyone. I believe in you. Do not be that weirdo douche and run into the woods. There are raccoons there and you will most likely get attacked. However, Founder’s Day is a vacation for everyone. Don’t worry, you have still TR 1:30-2:45 to get all academic-y.)

You’ve had quite an eventful day. You went on some rides. You hung out on the hill and had some adventures. You got some sunburn and you look a little ridiculous. It is now that awkward part of the day around 3 p.m.. You want to go to the fireworks later that night but aren’t sure what to do in the meantime. Do you take a nice nap OR do you anything but that, including but not limited to taking a walk, eating ten empanadas, going to the gym (LOL), and building a new TA bridge (also LOL). (Answer: NAPS ARE FOR THE WEAK. Go finish off those pirates instead.)

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