Pat Toomey is a bad senator and I want him to read this

Generally, I think that conversations about politics should be kept civilized. Each side should approach each other with gracious decorum and humility. Above all, both sides of the aisle should try to avoid alienating one another so, in spite of their differences, they can work together. This, however, is not one of those times. From the bottom of my little Grinch heart, I sincerely and truly mean it when I say that Senator Pat Toomey can fuck completely, all the way off. I hope his oversized clown vibrator-dildo isn’t currently switched on. Because he seriously needs to fuck off. For those of you who aren’t from the beautiful and the sometimes rural wasteland that is the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, let me explain.

Patrick Joseph Toomey, otherwise known as “Pat” Toomey (real original, “Pat”), is currently a junior Republican Senator representing Pennsylvania. However, I use the word representing very lightly because most of the decisions he makes aren’t for the general good of Pennsylvanians.

First of all, he isn’t really from Pennsylvania. He was born in Rhode Island, for goodness’ sake. When was the last time that Rhode Island had to deal with lower-middle-class miners wanting better health care? Or needed help to bolster the farming industry? Or desperately needed to improve the national image of one of its major cities? (I’m looking at you, Philadelphia. Seriously, how does a city that held the Second Continental Congress have such a bad rep? Oh how the mighty have fallen.) All Rhode Island ever has to deal with is an inferiority complex for being so small. Rhode Island surely did not give Pat Toomey enough background knowledge to help him legislate the beautiful Appalachians and glorious fields of cow shit that constitute Pennsylvania.

Other reasons that I find myself taking serious issue with my Senator is that he has a shaky record regarding issues such as climate change, treating Muslims, immigrants and the LGBTQ community like humans, meanwhile he treats tiny clumps of cells like humans, and for whatever reason has a strong stance on the scourge that is online piracy. Glad you care about the things that matter, Pat. Did you know that approximately -2 Pennsylvanians a year are affected by online piracy? (To clarify that statistic isn’t relevant, but neither are Toomey’s views so…)

But mostly the reason that I’m particularly peeved at Pat Toomey right now, is his vote for the Secretary of Education. He voted to confirm Betsy DeVos saying he was, “pleased” to do so. Which really means that he was pleased to tow the party line because he doesn’t care about children in the Pennsylvania public school system learning about the Lincoln-Douglas debate as opposed to what they would learn about: The Wawa-Sheetz Debate. (To be honest though, I do have a special place in my heart for Turkey Hill.)

Also, where do your children go to school, Senator Toomey? I assume your vote for Betsy DeVos won’t affect them as they go to private school. That’s like volunteering for the Hunger Games, except that you’re not volunteering yourself, you’re volunteering that kid who lives in a low-income neighborhood and really wants to learn the clarinet but won’t be able to because your nominee for the Secretary of Education definitely doesn’t see the value of performing arts unless you’re singing Gregorian chants. That extended metaphor got a little convoluted at the end, but I think you understand my meaning.

And now, can any of you dear readers guess how much money the DeVos family contributed to Pat Toomey during his career? Did I hear $6,000? No, no, just because Pat Toomey doesn’t have any balls doesn’t mean you need to lowball your guess. Did you say $10,000? Nope, still not enough. $1,000,00? Oh okay, that’s a little high. Toomey isn’t Trump. What about $60,500? And BINGO was his name-o. (Actually it’s Pat. Seriously, it’s Pat. Could he be anymore white?)

All in all, Pat Toomey is generally the worst and I hate that he is my senator. If you agree, feel free to call his DC office at (202) 224-4254. Make sure to tell him why you disagree with him and that Evelyn sent you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *