Now that cuffing season has more or less ended, I guess it’s only fair that, once and for all, I publicly break things off clean with my most recent committed relationship:
I’m breaking up with you.
We had a good run. In fact, our relationship lasted way longer than I ever expected it to. But I have to end this—it’s only fair. I’m sorry if this makes things awkward since, you know, I had such a wonderful fling with Summer last year, and Autumn and I are still such great friends, but I’m sure they’ll still make time to see you for birthdays and solstices and stuff.
I’m sorry that this may take you a bit by surprise, but I realized yesterday when I was in bed with the sun, that I straight up cannot stand being with you anymore!
And if you’re wondering, here’s why:
1.You are so inconsiderate of my feelings.
Every year when I rekindle my friendship with Autumn, she can’t shut up about how excited she is for you to come back into town, and at first I believed her because when I met you briefly back in California you were so gentle and fun. But every time you come through the scenic Hudson Valley you literally take away the sun, and with it goes all of my motivation to do anything! Out of nowhere you went and gave me the coldest shoulder I’ve ever gotten, and all the sunlamps in the world couldn’t make up for it.
2. You’re in the way of me expanding my horizons.
Especially now that Spring is on their way back from JYA, I want to be free to have a picnic with them, rather than another day of board games and stress eating with you. At one point I thought I may enjoy the fact that you are my polar opposite, but I was completely wrong. I swear Winter, you make everything about you. Spring is kind and thoughtful and they bring me flowers and they actually want to hear what I have to say rather than just listen to my teeth chatter away.
3. You are way too controlling.
I never thought you’d be the kind of person that needed to have a say in absolutely everything I do. Frankly, I don’t think it’s fair that you totally gutted my wardrobe from back when I was with Summer. She always thought that I looked good in a T-shirt dress and sandals. But you’re so weird about feet and modesty that I’ve been confined to heavy boots and baggy sweatpants for months. Plus, everything I do has to be on your whim. If you’re feeling too under the weather, suddenly I’m not even able to leave the house? I’m sorry Winter, but that’s not fair to me.
4. At the end of the day you’re just a boring white guy.
During our honeymoon phase you seemed new and exciting. Autumn always talked you up, but I realized after those first few beautiful nights of flurry—well, you’re just not fun. Newsflash: I don’t actually like shoveling snow with you—I faked it every time. I want adventure and good hot fun, but you just can’t offer me that.
5. You’ve completely changed my body.
I know there’s a trend on Twitter right now that’s all about #relationshipweight, and it’s where all of these girlfriends post before-and-after photos of the weight they’ve gained since being in a committed relationship. But a lot of those tweets are from young girls who are crediting boys for puberty. Whereas I’m a grown ass woman who’s gained at least 15 pounds since you rolled into town, and I’m so not here for that. I’m not some hibernating bear. Plus, I’ve never been this pale in my life, and it makes me feel like you don’t appreciate me for the happy tan girl I used to be—only this sick-looking chubby one you’ve turned me into. Now that I think about it, you’re even more controlling than I first realized.
If it makes you feel any better, I guess it really isn’t you, it’s me! (I’m sure you’ll do better with someone is okay with your cold feet.) But please Winter, don’t call me, and don’t try that thing you always do where you just wait six months and beg for me to take you back. This is the last time I’ll fall for that one.
Oh, and I want all my baggy sweaters back.