The Misc News introduces: the super fake news in brief

Holy cannoli! A lot happened in the news over this past week. How could anybody possibly keep track of it all? International conflict, controversial ad campaigns, personal plumbing accidents—sometimes, it’s all just too overwhelming. Here’s a handy little summary of all the important events that occurred in the United States and abroad, just to make sure you’re up to speed on everything.

Speed? Did someone say speed? It was certainly not a slow news week, because Fate of the Furious, the 37th film in the Fast and Furious franchise, made 532 million dollars over the weekend. The action movie set a global box office record for the vroomiest international debut weekend ever. It is also the first film ever to feature Vin Diesel driving his car over an exploding submarine. It is based on a true story.

A Nevada Twitter user, upon asking the Wendy’s Twitter account how many retweets would be required for him to receive a year of free chicken nuggets, was challenged by the fast food corporation to reach 18 million. This soon proved to be an impossible feat, with the retweet count currently slowing down near the all-time record, at around 3.1 million. But this failure didn’t stop the Nugget Boy, now an international superstar, from appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Depending on how you choose to look at it, this is either an inspiring rags-to-riches story of a man who dared to ask for unlimited chicken nuggets, or the most frustrating case of undeserved, anyone-coulddo-that fame since the “Cash Me Outside” Girl.

The local fire department responded quickly last week when Gracie Henderson of Houston, TX, reported that her left hand was stuck in her toilet. After arriving, the first responders removed the toilet from the wall so that they could deal with the matter outside. It must have been a very interesting sight for the neighbors. “Do you want us to break it?” asked one fireman, to which she nonchalantly replied, “Yeah! Well how else am I gonna get it out?” The fireman’s sledgehammer eventually freed her fist from its porcelain prison. Why Gracie’s hand was there in the first place, however, the world may never know. It’s only a matter of time before Ellen DeGeneres rewards her bravery with a lifetime supply of plungers.

A new scientific study revealed that mucus collected from certain species of frogs is effective in combating the flu. Frog mucus contains a certain peptide that wards off viruses associated with influenza, which probably explains why you have never seen a sick frog. The study is still in progress, and the researchers have not yet discovered how to get the frog peptides to attach to flu viruses in the human body. However, amidst the outbreak of a springtime epidemic on Vassar’s campus, it has been reported that numerous students have been seen tickling small amphibians, trying to induce sneezing.

This week it was announced that Kevin Spacey will host the 2017 Tony Awards. Which makes sense, considering it seems that Kevin Spacey will be in anything these days. Seriously. Kevin Spacey is in “House of Cards” and was in “American Beauty,” and yet he also is in the movie “Nine Lives,” a children’s film in which Kevin Spacey is transported into the body of a cat named Mr. Fuzzypants. Why, Kevin Spacey? Why? You are a renowned actor, you do not need to do this.

This past Monday, President Trump and the First Lady hosted their first egg roll at the White House. However, the Trumps, being completely unprepared, did not have dyed Easter eggs for the event. Instead, they spent millions of taxpayer dollars to buy two Fabergé eggs for the roll. While the event in the past usually has been a day filled with fun and activity for children, this year was a bit different. Due to the fragility and expensiveness of the eggs, the children could not roll them, but rather were made to stand silently on the White House lawn while they each got to look (but not breathe) on the decorative eggs. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer reported that everyone had an “adequate” time.

Breaking: Across the country, many people remembered it was Tax Day only after their spouses asked, “It’s Tax Day, have you submitted our taxes?”

Also, a lot of things happened in politics. But who wants to hear about that?

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