Where the wild things are not: the brand-new Deece

As I walked into the new Deece for the first time during house team training, I felt conflicted. Sure, I was happy about the extended hours of operation, the fresh produce and the stylish, yet functional, Scandinavian interior design—I mean who wouldn’t be? But as I sat down in a brand-spanking-new wooden booth, I couldn’t help but wonder…what was the fate of all the residents of the old Deece? You know who I’m talking about. You probably saw them scurrying around the old Deece at some point in your Vassar career. I am talking about the rodents, cockroaches and multitudes of insects that called the former Deece their home. Since the whole situation left me feeling very concerned, I decided to brainstorm some possibilities regarding the fate of our dearly beloved friends.

Perhaps the good ol’ Deece gang joined a circus troupe composed entirely of vermin and are now traveling the country performing incredible death-defying feats! They have had extensive training in the art of surviving dangerous situations and are now ready to show off their talents to the world. I’m sure the mice have practiced their tightrope walking skills by scurrying along the rafters of the old Deece and the cockroaches perfected their disappearing trick by retreating into the safety of the walls once they were spotted. We can only hope that they will remember us and the place that gave them their start once they achieve nationwide fame.

It is entirely possible that the former residents were tired of only catching glimpses of the campus whenever people opened the Deece doors and decided that they wanted to venture out and explore for themselves the wilderness that is Vassar College. I have a hunch that they joined the Class of 2021 and have matriculated as new students here. The prospect of a well-rounded liberal arts education is very alluring nowadays, so I can understand why they decided to embark on their academic endeavor at this point in their lives. Although they just started their Vassar careers, I am sure they are already tired of people asking them what they want to major in, so I will not speculate any further regarding this matter.

Enticed by all of the fascinating conversations about JYA they overheard throughout the years, the residents of the Deece decided to go abroad for the semester. They are now exploring different drama programs throughout Europe during the day and are merrily frolicking through the streets at night. They are excited to Instagram how much fun they are having and have been heard enthusiastically declaring that they are never ever coming back to campus. However, we hope that when they do decide to come back to campus, they will enlighten us with all of the worldly knowledge they acquired while in Europe.

Let’s face it: the hustle and bustle of Poughkeepsie, NY can be unbearable at times. Sometimes the vibrant nightlife and all of the opportunities for adventure are just too much to handle. It is feasible that some of our critters have decided to give up the city life entirely and revert back to their old roots. In order to get back in touch with nature, they have decided to radically change their lifestyles. They now spend their days practicing meditation and repeating empowering mantras to themselves. Instead of relying on food that has fallen from the plate of an unsuspecting Deece patron, they have started a vegan co-op and are pursuing sustainable farming. This certainly seems like a noble endeavour, and I applaud them for their conscientiousness and commitment to clean living.

The most plausible possibility I can come up with is that our beloved vermin are taking some time off because they are preparing to file a lawsuit against our new caterer, Bon Appétit, for wrongfully evicting them from their home. According to some Miscellany News reporters, the critters were never even asked if they wanted their home to be renovated. They are understandably outraged at this whole situation and demand to be compensated handsomely for their loss. When we reached out to interview them, they revealed that they will also be suing for the emotional distress they have undergone as a result of being displaced. Hopefully this case will be resolved quickly and will encourage the Vassar administration to be more transparent in their decisions.

Wherever they are, we here at The Miscellany News wish the old residents of the Deece the best of luck!

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