Monday afternoon. 4:45 p.m. First-year Jen Anderson returns to her room, a comfortable double she shares with fellow first-year Caroline Jamison, as she always does before meeting her friends for an afternoon snack. But this Monday isn’t like other Mondays. Anderson is in for the shock of her life. On this Monday, Anderson’s roommate breaches their roommate contract.
“I left the room at 11:15 today, like I usually do, so I have time to get breakfast and walk at a leisurely pace to my 12:00 class. I didn’t think twice about Caroline not being there. She usually leaves the room around 10:45 for her 11:30 class. We both hate being late to class. That’s what makes us such good roommates. Or, at least, I thought we were good roommates until this happened,” said Anderson. “I just…I feel so betrayed.”
What did Anderson find that was so horrifying? She told the Miscellany News in her own words.
“It was just out in the open, lying there, attracting flies. It…it was this cookie. From the Deece. And it wasn’t in a closed container,” Anderson sobbed.
That open-air cookie was directly in violation of the pair’s roommate contract, which the Miscellany News was able to track down. “Article 4, Section VIII (b) Part 9: Clauses M through XX” in Anderson and Jamison’s accord states that all food in the room must remain in a closed, sealed container, such as a Tupperware or equivalent packaging material, out of sight of the inhabitants.
Never one to leave a stone unturned, I, the intrepid Miscellany News reporter, tracked down Jamison to confront her about her gross act of negligence.
“What? I didn’t bring a cookie back from the Deece last night. Anyway, I always keep our food in, like, a Tupperware, or something of equal sealed-ness. It’s in our roommate contract,” said Jamison.
When presented with the idea that maybe she isn’t Miss Perfect all the time and could’ve forgotten to seal her food in a “Ziploc container or brand of equal integrity,” as per the same ordinance in their contract, Jamison quickly grew irate.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, does it really specify the brands we have to use? I didn’t want any of this in here, and I’m the one with the moderate peanut sensitivity! It doesn’t even affect her if there’s food out in the open. This is just like her, she’s always doing things like this!” Jamison exclaimed.
Jamison’s comments added insult to injury to her already distraught roommate.
“She’s always throwing that peanut sensitivity in my face. This is just like her. Trying to blame her sloppiness and inability to read fine print because ‘she needs glasses’ or whatever on me. She’s not going to get away with it this time, that’s for sure,” Anderson said as she bravely wiped her tears and soldiered forward with her brave crusade for justice.
Anderson scheduled a meeting with her StuFel to address the incident.
“Well, Jen told me that Caroline left a cookie out on her desk, which is in violation of their roommate contract. Then she handed me this… this contract, and was like ‘It’s in Section 4, Article B-12, or something.’ I have a lot of problem sets to do for my calc class, and I don’t really have time to sort through her roommate contract, so I just listened to her patiently, then asked her if she’d talked to Caroline in person yet. She said she hadn’t, so I told her to try talking to Caroline in person. Can I just finish my homework?” the StuFel said.
Unsatisfied with the StuFel’s negligence, Anderson decided to take matters into her own hands.
“If she’s going to disrespect our roommate contract, I’m going to start disrespecting her,” Anderson stated as she prepared to unleash the hammer of justice.
Evening. 6:45 p.m. First-year Caroline Jamison returns to her room after a long day of classes, prepared to have a meaningful discussion with her roommate, Jen Anderson. This time, Caroline is in for the shock of her life.
“Where did she even get so many spiders?!” Jamison roared in fear and fury. “It says in Article 21, Section XVII (m) Part 4: Clauses H-PB” that at no given time shall there be more than 14 spiders, so long as two-thirds do not exceed a size of two centimeters! All of those were at least 25 to 30!”
After another conversation with the StuFel, who had finished his practice problems but was apparently still too busy to comment, Jamison has been taking matters into her own hands and scouring campus for any posters from Big Time Rush’s 2012 tour, Big Time Summer Tour, of which Article 18 explicitly bans any iconography from entering the room.
In the meantime, Anderson contacted the Miscellany News to let us know that she had actually brought the cookie back from the Deece and forgotten she’d left it on Jamison’s desk. She asked that we relay her apology to Jamison should we come into contact with her.