Hookup from orientation remembers Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day: a day known for manufacturing disappointment and selling chocolate. Way more boring than Halloween, and with a looser religious basis than Easter, Valentine’s Day largely exists to remind everyone that we’re all alone in the end. However, it is probably fun for people in committed relationships. Providing fodder for memes that are relevant for 24 hours once a year, Valentine’s Day is just something most people have to live through. First-year Gillian Scirrelli, on the other hand, was in for the surprise of her life.

“It came out of nowhere. I never saw it coming,” said Scirrelli.

Returning to her dorm for her usual between-classes nap, Scirrelli accidentally made eye contact with the young man with whom she hooked up during orientation as he too exited the stairwell into their hallway.

“Usually I don’t look him in the eyes. Not that he tries to look me in the eyes. We just usually don’t look at each other anymore. I didn’t totally realize it was him until it was too late,” said Scirrelli.

After their eyes connected, the young man opened his mouth to speak. Scirrelli described the moment that followed: “It just came right out into the open. I’ve never been more confused. It took me a long time to register what he had just said. He said, ‘Hey, happy Valentine’s Day.’ I didn’t know how to respond. What did he mean by that?”

Throwing caution and personal privacy to the wind, the Miscellanyellany managed to track down the young man with whom Scirrelli became intimate during her first week at Vassar: Michael Freeburg. Freeburg was reluctant to comment at first, feigning forgetfulness.

“I said ‘happy Valentine’s Day’ to a lot of people. I feel like it’s a nice moment to acknowledge others and let them know you care, even in a non-romantic way,” said Freeburg.

After tireless examination, Freeburg admitted that perhaps he did remember wishing his former flame a happy Valentine’s Day.

“Oh, yeah, I guess we were in the stairwell at the same time. I probably said something, I don’t know. I was late to meet my girlfriend for lunch, and I had to stop by my room to get her gift. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to what I was doing or saying,” said Freeburg.

Thinking this to be a “likely” story, the avid truth seekers at the Miscellanyellany embarked on a mission to identify Freeburg’s so-called “girlfriend.” Utilizing advanced technologies such as Facebook and Instagram, the Miscellany discovered Freeburg tagged in fellow first-year Kate Declan’s photo of a gift she received for Valentine’s Day with the caption “from the Peeta to my Katniss…he’s not afraid of #strongwomen #neverthelessshepersisted #Oprah2020.” Declan was more than happy to confirm her relationship with Freeburg.

“He’s truly bae. He gave me a cactus for Valentine’s Day. It’s prickly on the outside but smol on the inside, just like me!” said Declan.

Declan seemed unaware of Freeburg’s tryst with Scirrelli.

“No. He never mentioned hooking up with anyone during orientation. This proves that men are trash,” said Declan.

Freeburg did not seem pleased with the stellar investigative journalism the Miscellany performed to contact his girlfriend.

“Why would you tell her I hooked up with someone during orientation? How would that come up? I wasn’t hiding it, I hadn’t even met her yet. Jesus, I am so screwed,” said Freeburg.

Enraged, Freeburg stopped by Scirrelli’s room to demand to know why she had even told the Miscellany about their interaction in the stairwell. When confronted with the fact that bringing up the exchange with Scirrelli was tantamount to admitting he remembered it, Freeburg slammed the door to Scirrelli’s room.

“Why did you follow me here? Don’t you have anything better to do?!” screamed Freeburg.

Freeburg was unreceptive to the explanation that high-quality journalism never rests, perhaps because he could not hear it through the door.

After a lengthy discussion, a sullen Freeburg stormed out of Scirrelli’s room. So did Declan, to the shock of this reporter, hand in hand with Scirrelli.

“I messaged her after we talked, and I realized that girls are awesome and beautiful. I’d rather date her than him,” Declan said.

Scirrelli and Declan have since requested to become roommates. Freeburg bought a small potted plant for his own room in the hopes that it would truly appreciate his love and affection.

One Comment

  1. This is brilliant. Three cheers for the inexhaustible journalistic pursuit of the truth! But you owe Michael Freeburg an apology.

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