Remember not to take your friends for granted. Tell them that their Vassar Dad hat is totally tubular and make sure to thank them when they help you sit on the toilet after a painful workout. One way to really show your appreciation is to sing them a medley of children’s songs.
Making friends can be really hard. One surefire way to make friends is to go into for a fist bump, but instead grab their hand. Or perhaps you could join a sports team because they will be forced to spend multiple hours a day and weekends with you.
I always assume that when people ask, “How are you?” they really do want to know how you are. Can you really explain all of your feelings with one word, like “good”? No! So instead explain the constant pain you feel in your bruised toe and then show it to them for effect. Your friends will be so happy you’re opening up to them.
You and your friends might be experiencing some distance. In order to bridge that gap I suggest you walk into their rooms at night and cuddle them to sleep. The fight about who gets to be the smaller spoon will get you talking again.
So you recently met someone super great! However you suspect that they want to be more than friends and you want to just be friends. Having that talk might be kind of awkward, so instead pretend to start dating the ghost of Matthew Vassar. They won’t be interested in dating you anymore after that.
Are your Friday and Saturday nights getting boring? I thought so. You should convince your friends that what you really need is a sing-along Disney movie marathon. I suggest starting with “High School Musical” and end your evening with an interpretive dance rendition of “Let it Go.”
You have known real suffering. It’s the feeling of waking up groggy and disoriented after a three-hour nap and just wanting to go back to bed. Whenever I try to take a short nap, I just keep taking multiple short naps in a row. To stop this bad habit, I suggest that you nap in a friend’s bed, so they can wake you up.
I suspect you and your friends don’t do much. In order to remedy this, you should venture into the mysterious outdoors. And then go back inside because there are deer and bugs out there. Instead experience a new world by making a blanket fort!
I know there is something spontaneous that you want to do, but it might be kind of stupid. For example, you might want to drive to a concert in Atlanta, GA over study week. It would be a quick 30 hour drive there and back. 10/10 would recommend. Studying is for nerds!
One way to ensure your friends never leave you is to spend every waking hour with them. You must never leave them alone, including when they are in the shower. You can also try tying their shoelaces together so they won’t be able to run away. If that doesn’t work, just cut off their legs.
The best way for you to make friends is by physically running into people at the Deece. I recommend you try this by the hoards of people waiting to get water. This way someone might spill a drink on you and then help to dry you off! This is perfect because you will have instant physical bonding and they will feel like they owe you something.
You’ve settled into the same patterns with the same people and you need someone new to squad up with. Just so you know, I am in the friend market and have desirable qualities. For example, I am down to pee in urinals, I will play LEGOs with you and I do not have food allergies (so I can eat whatever snacks you make me).