On the warm days last week I impulsively cut the sleeves off of all my shirts. What do I do now that it’s cold and all I have are muscle tanks?
—Sleeveless in Seattle
Dear Sleeveless in Seattle,
If you saved all your sleeves, then you have a few options. The most obvious one is to duct tape all of them back on. Get some zany zebra-print duct tape, and you’ll be warm while rocking some high fashion. We’ve heard that all of the designers are going to be doing this for next fall, so you’ll be ahead of the curve, plus you can complete the outfit with your duct tape wallet and hair bow from middle school. If you want to get more creative, then turn those sleeves into arm warmers. You’ll never get a farmer’s tan and your arms can now be featured in an ’80s workout video. Finally, if you decided you don’t need sleeves and can tough it out, then cut and sew the sleeves into tube tops. You get new shirts that you can either rock or sell on Free & For Sale for some extra cash that you can use to get some new long-sleeve tees. If you have already turned all your sleeves into hand puppets, then embrace who you are now. Buy a fabric marker and write “suns out, guns out” on your shirts. Spend your free time at the gym and only work on your biceps—leg day can wait until you cut all your pants into booty shorts.
My friend group has been described as “homoerotic,” and I don’t know how to explain that all the talk about group orgies is a joke. How do I set the record straight, especially when people see us all cuddling together in our MPR?
—Too Close for Comfort
Dear Too Close For Comfort,
We’ve come up with a few steps you can take to make it look like you’re not dating your entire friend group. Reduce the amount of time you talk about masturbation and sexual fantasies, especially at the Deece. Make up a boyfriend from home, and when people look at you confusedly and say “Aren’t you a lesbian?” just show them a poorly edited photo of you cuddling Amanda Bynes in “She’s the Man.” Actually sleep with your friends so it stops being a rumor.
Perhaps you could pretend you have other friends, even though we all know you don’t. You should consider dropping the pending lawsuit against the roller rink for not letting all of you hold hands. On the subject of holding hands, you should probably stop doing that while walking everywhere you go.
Also, keep your one-month “friendship” anniversary on the down low. When discussing celebrity crushes, don’t just mention the girls you love. Gush about how hot Chris is in that one superhero movie. Odds are eavesdroppers will just agree. Stop calling each other “babe” and “honey,” even if you are pretending to be girlfriends.
The most important thing is to not publish the semi-erotic video you made last weekend. Even though you finally got to use the flogger you bought for your roommate, that doesn’t mean the rest of the world wants to see it.
My elbow’s itchy, what do I do?
Dear Doesn’t Understand the Purpose of an Advice Column,
Scratch it, and if that doesn’t work, WebMD is your friend. It will say that you’re going to die, so start planning how you’re going spend your last few months on earth. It’s time to let people know how you feel about them, and that starts with your enemies. Your loved ones can wait. Now that you know you’ll be dying soon, you can do all the things on your bucket list. Visit Chernobyl, engage in BDSM and cut your own toenails. Finally, complete your life goal of visiting a haunted hospital in every state. You will inevitably be knifed by a ghost and honestly that’s a better way to die than an itchy elbow.