Some nice advice from the Mice of Main 4/1

Dear Mice of Main,

I’m convinced there’s a ghost haunting my room. Weird things have been happening, like photos falling off the wall and my lamp turning on randomly when I’m not home. This started after I participated in my first seance. How do I get rid of the ghost without it killing me?

—Stop Ghosting Me

Dear Stop Ghosting Me,

It’s likely that you angered an old Vassar ghost, and now they are out to get you. If you don’t want to live with a ghost for the next two months, there are a few important things you need to do. First, you need to get ahold of as much salt as possible (you could just smuggle all of the salt shakers out of the Deece). Since ghosts can’t cross salt lines, you can circle your bed, desk chair and wardrobe, so the ghost doesn’t steal your style. Now that you can sleep safely, the next task is vanquishing the ghost and banishing it from your room. You can try to hurt its feelings so it no longer wants to stay with you. Perhaps try these insults: “Nobody cried at your funeral,” “You haven’t gotten laid in over 100 years” or “I can see right through you.” If none of these insults work, you may have to do another seance to figure out why the ghost is still around. Perhaps they will say that they need you to finish a final paper or take their multivariable calculus exam. While it may require some studying/cheating, as soon as you meet their demands, they’ll be out of your drawers.

Dear Mice of Main,

On April Fool’s Day, I thought the email President Bradley sent out about the sprinklers being tested was for real. Out of fear of water ruining all my stuff, I purchased a tarp off of Amazon and attempted to waterproof my entire room. Now, all of my stuff is covered in plastic, and I’m feeling like a fool. How do I get over this?

—President Bradley’s Victim

Dear President Bradley’s Victim,

You’re not the only one who got tricked. We also thought it was real, but instead of waterproofing our room, we bought a kiddie pool and planned a beach party. When we had to cancel the party, our street cred was hurt. Since your room is already waterproofed, you may as well set off the sprinklers. Now’s the time to use that scented candle you were given over the holidays. Once the sprinklers go off, reenact the scene from “The Notebook” with the person you’ve been crushing on. Or find a friend whose birthday is coming up, and light some birthday candles. Just advise your friends to wear bathing suits to the party. Look on the bright side: Your things are already packed for moving out, and people will know you’re coming when they hear your signature plastic crinkle.

Dear Mice of Main,

I nervous fart when I see my crush. It’s hard to cover up the stench and make a good impression. How do I land the girl of my dreams despite the fact I can’t control my gas?

—Gassed Up the Wrong Way

Dear Gassed Up the Wrong Way,

Always keep Febreze with you. When you’re about to rip one, spray the scent. Hopefully it works like the commercials, so she thinks you smell like roses and not bathroom activities. If you don’t have access to Febreze, come up with logical explanations for your gassiness. Keep a plate of beans in front of you or discuss your love of burritos. You can also address your nervousness around your crush. Ask her friends for stories about all the embarrassing things she’s done and keep those in mind when you’re interacting with her. Maybe once you get to know her, you’ll discover she burps uncontrollably when stressed, and the two of you are soulmates. Congrats! Invite us to the wedding!

Feeling sleep-deprived, heartbroken or generally disoriented? Send questions to Hannah (hgaven[at]vassar.edu) and Josie (jschermerhorn[at]vassar.edu) with the subject “Mice Advice.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *