Horoscopes– 4/11

Aries

Since Mercury is in retrograde, you may feel you’re missing out on something. No need to fear; there is nothing to miss out on, except the Vass Shakers Spring Showcase on Friday night at 7p.m. If you don’t go to that, then I can guarantee you’ll be missing out on some pretty fantastic dancing, and me!

Taurus

You may have not been the most committed friend this week, Taurus. If you’re worried it will be the end of your friendship, I recommend hanging out with them constantly. Feed them, write love poems for them and watch them while they sleep.

Gemini

Patriarchy is a scary beast. Take my sleep-talking words of wisdom and “sneeze at patriarchy.” Hopefully, my inspiring words will help you combat other plagues of the nation, like heteronormativity.

Cancer

I feel it, you feel it, we all feel it. You’re stressed and are having nightmares about common fears, such as bugs, spiders and getting in a car wreck, which will cause a piece of windshield to slice your neck, resulting in your slowly bleeding out. If you don’t sleep, these nightmares can’t haunt you.

Leo

This week had a special meaning for you, whether it was because you ran for a VSA position or just experienced the stress of voting. What if the candidate you voted for had a sex scandal? Next time, just close your eyes and choose randomly; that way you’re not held accountable for your actions.

Virgo

The stars foretell a horrifying tale: You will get out of the shower and see a cockroach between you and your towel. You’re stranded, naked, cold and scared for your life. There is no need to panic. Just get ahold of my roommate Josie ([email protected]), and she will kill it for you!

Libra

Perhaps you are worried about being walked in on while doing the do……..Here are some tips to avoid this situation: 1) Lock the door; 2) Double check that the door is locked; 3) Keep the door locked even when someone knocks; and 4) Never open the door.

Scorpio

You might be scared of running out of things to say. Whether it’s on a first date, while writing horoscopes or trying to tell someone you’re pooping when they knock on the stall door, it can be hard to respond appropriately. Make vomiting noises, and people will leave you alone.

Sagittarius

Do you fear the entire spectrum of human emotion? It’s okay to admit that you’re scared, Sagittarius. If you’re scared of using the toaster, just ask me for help. (I just learned how to use it last week!)

Capricorn

Are you terrified that there isn’t a word for queer memes? I know it’s something you worry about, Capricorn. There’s no need to fret. I have the answer: “queme.” It’s similar to the idea that a square is rectangle, but rectangles aren’t always squares, except all memes should be quemes.

Aquarius

The start of spring will cause animals to come back out into the open, which may create a significant amount of struggle for you, Aquarius. Wompwomps are scary little creatures, so be careful walking alone on your way back from Late Night or the library.

Pisces

Perhaps you think that someone is following you. Every time you turn around you see a flash of movement. However, they only follow you in nice weather. Now you start to wonder, “Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” Well, you probably are because your stalker is your shadow.

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