Horoscopes—9/13

Aries

The light of the moonbeam and other ancestral spirits makes it clear to me that ice cream is the only medium that will help you push through this week. I encourage you to take a giant tub of it out of the Deece and feast.

 

Taurus

If the heat hasn’t killed you yet, it soon will—metaphorically speaking. However, it feels like literally speaking. One game I suggest playing to enjoy the heat is trying to rub your sweat all over your friends while attempting to avoid getting their gross juice on yourself.

 

Gemini

It can be hard to find people with whom to crunch on lunch. If you do end up going to the Deece alone and feel embarrassed about sitting by yourself, there are many ways around it. Since I’m always at the Deece, you could come eat chocolate ice cream with me.

 

Cancer

With the new school year starting, you can become the new you. So ditch your significant other, friends, parents, sister and fortune teller for me. I will clean your undies, smother you with love and write you weekly horoscopes. Stay tuned.

 

Leo

Never use photos that look like you for your VCard, so lots of people can use it to get in the Deece because you’ll be unrecognizable. Also, you will never be called on in class because the professor won’t be able to figure out who you are from your Moodle picture.

 

Virgo

Going to the bathroom without friends allows so many things to go horribly wrong. You could get trapped in the shower by a cockroach or stuck cleaning up your vomit alone. Worst of all, you might even have to brush your own teeth.

 

Libra

You will find your little posse or squad at Vassar if you write or draw a cartoon for the Humor section because I’ll be your friend. Since I only leave my blanket fort for food, I don’t have a lot of friends. I would like to cuddle in my blanket fort with someone.

 

Scorpio

Avoid farting on your crush’s foot or in their room or their bed…Apparently people don’t like that even though it’s a natural function. I also would avoid farting while spinning fire, unless you want to light your farts on fire. Does that actually happen or was it busted by Mythbusters?

 

Sagittarius

Kiss all of your friends. It’s a good method to get close quick and an effective way to get mono if you want to rest in bed for a month. I know I can already use a break from classes, so hit me up for a smooch.

 

Capricorn

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man? Do you know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane? If you do happen to know the muffin man please point him in my direction, as I am a big connoisseur of muffins and men.

 

Aquarius

Napping in people’s crotches is ideal. It’s very comfortable, as it makes you feel like you are crawling back up into the womb. Just make sure to get consent first and inform your roommate because it can be an awkward scene to walk in on.

 

Pisces

Pull the fire alarm at 3 a.m. This is a good way to make friends with everyone in your dorm because they’ll all be outside complaining and gossiping, and ultimately everyone just wants to know what happened and who set off the alarm. You’ll be so popular if you can provide all of the details!

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