Horoscopes

Aries

The future is bleak. However, there is one ray of light shining upon you. Make sure to apply sunscreen because you don’t want to get burnt, develop skin cancer and then die from taking part in an experimental drug test.

 

Taurus

My mom is my number one friend on Snapchat. Is that sad or cute? Either way, I just wanted to let you know that my mom is cooler than all of your moms. I dare you to find a cooler mom. That’s your assignment for this week. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Gemini

If I were a pickle, I would be in a pickle. Keep this important life advice in mind throughout the week. Also, remember this when eating pickles because you could be eating me. Then I would be gone, and you’d never get any more horoscopes. Without weekly horoscopes, you may drop out of school. You’re welcome for keeping you in school.

 

Cancer

I cut my fingernails to decrease stress. While I would recommend it to you, you can even use this great life advice to help others! For example, when I notice my roommate is very stressed, I’ll cut her nails while she sleeps. When I see people stressing during an exam, I whip out my trusty clippers and snip their nails.

 

Leo

I’m currently on a quest to find and destroy all other Hannahs. Take this as your first and only warning. You don’t think I’m talking to you, but I am. I even know your address and where you go to school. Nowhere is safe. I will be the alpha.

 

Virgo

 

Interviews are STRESSFUL because you have to answer a bunch of questions about your imaginary better self. What’s worse is that you have to remember the lie! Did I say that I’m a Taurus or that I have three brothers? Either way, whenever someone asks you what your dream job is, the correct response is “Being your dream employee!”

 

Libra

I don’t like juice. The poor fruit has all of its innards squeezed out of it and it’s left all wrinkled and dried up. It’s so sad, but it can’t even cry because it doesn’t have any lifeblood left. Humans take everything. Then its lifeblood is put into containers and swished around with its brethrens’ insides. It loses all identity. Remember this next time you drink juice.

 

Scorpio

*raps* “Do you like to sleep?” *bass drop* “Then drop in a heap.” *everyone falls* As I just demonstrated, it’s super easy to be a musical genius! Take this week to develop your album and become a superstar. Disclaimer: I get 99.96 percent of profits because I’m now your manager.

 

Sagittarius

If you think about it, there are no real reasons that we always have to follow social norms. Why can’t we lick people’s necks as a greeting? Why can’t we poop on the lawn? Why can’t we have sex in the Deece? Go wild! Be the best you and the true you.

 

Capricorn

Have you wailed on a plane recently? Pooped your pants? Eaten applesauce? Don’t lie. I know the answer is yes. This implies that you are a small child. Yay to no more adulthood and worrying about real life jobs. Now you can get some vitamin D through breastfeeding.

 

Aquarius

It’s time for you to take a chance this week. Sniff some glue. Lick a stranger’s butthole. The worst that could happen is that you end up on the side of the road vomiting up oysters as your friend is arrested for public indecency. Not that it’s ever happened to me though.

 

Pisces

I know all of you, and if I combine all of your individual knowledge on sex positions by the transitive property I would be the best at sex. So I guess this means everybody wants to have sex with me. Too bad, get in line.

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