Horoscopes

Aries

Do you want to know the worst part of my life right now? When I cough, blood shoots out of my uterus. However, it is also a unique feeling that I wish everyone had the pleasurable opportunity to experience. If only there was a way to force everyone to have a period. Please invent this for me.

 

Taurus

Walking all the way to Central Receiving for one bottle of shampoo makes me want to stab my friends. So instead I devised a super smart plan: Call an Uber to pick you up from your dorm, drive you to Central Receiving, wait, then have them drive you back. This way, all of your friends will be safe.

 

Gemini

It’s time to make a statement in a big way. I suggest you threaten others with nuclear war. It’s my favorite way of making friends, besides writing extremely desperate horoscopes. Speaking of which, if you are feeling melancholy, send me an email, and I’ll send you back a funny joke.

 

Cancer

In my hometown, a dog was stolen from its owners. The police posted about it on Facebook, and people commented if they saw the kidnapper and dog. I was so distraught I didn’t show up to one of my midterms. I hope this taught you that you shouldn’t steal people’s dogs because it negatively impacts me.

 

Leo

While break be upon us, I be upon you and you be upon them and they be upon who? Let us not worry about riddling semantics, instead you should focus on sexual antics. I’d be down for an orgy, just don’t tell the clergy.

 

Virgo

You might be injured. If not, we can arrange that so this horoscope applies to you. The stars predict that you will recover eventually. For some it might be hours, and for others it might be centuries. I know that I smacked my hand on the corner of my dresser, and I still can’t seem to take notes in class.

 

Libra

Coughing through class can be extremely embarrassing. Even if you just have the sniffles, I suggest skipping class and sleeping until the sniffles go away. Hopefully you can use it as an excuse to leave a couple of days early for break. You have endless possibilities! I recommend “kidnapping” me and taking me on a spontaneous trip to Hawaii! Then I wouldn’t have to make up work like you would have to.

 

Scorpio

I set my alarm for 8:15 p.m. last night, so that’s how my week is going. If you are prone to similar fails, I suggest you get yourself a buddy who will make sure you’re awake every morning. Perhaps you could ask the junior in the room next to you or you could attain a roommate who wakes up at sunrise to play the trombone. Both are viable options.

 

Sagittarius

I have a lot of condoms and dental dams on my door, and nobody ever uses them. It makes me sad because it seems like nobody is living it up and having an orgy like my fellow group did. Just come take the condoms and dental dams so that I’m under the impression that safe sex is happening.

 

Capricorn

My bladder cannot handle drinking coffee. When I do decide to keep myself awake with a beverage, I end up peeing every five minutes, missing probably more class than if I’d just closed my eyes every couple minutes throughout the lecture. I assume you face similar problems, so here is my solution: adult diapers. You’re welcome.

 

Aquarius

My mattress pad keeps slipping off my bed, and it’s annoying. This is a call for all Aquarians to sign up for shifts to fix my mattress pad. While this might seem tedious, your reward will be cuddling me to sleep. FYI, I like to sleep against the wall, so if anyone were to fall off the bed, it would be you.

 

Pisces

Perhaps you’ll spend one more crazy night intoxicated before returning home for break. The stars suggest you go pee when you have to while intoxicated because it would be extremely unfortunate to wet yourself in the middle of an impromptu makeout session. I would understand; however, I suspect others may not be as forgiving.

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