Horoscopes

Aries

Do you ever promise that you’re going to go to breakfast with someone and then “accidentally” sleep through your alarm? If you haven’t, I totally recommend. It’s a great excuse that you can use whenever you need some more zzzzzz’s.

 

Taurus

Why do we wish upon stars? They already have your future all planned. For example, Taurus, you will stub your toe this week. It will be horribly painful. Wow, I’m so glad this happened to be Taurus’ horoscope and not mine.

 

Gemini

I love listening to my neighbor talk to her significant other. I’m not sure if she knows that I can literally hear every word and have a strong opinion about their third breakup. The stars suggest that you ask your neighbor for advice on your relationship because odds are she’s heard everything.

 

Cancer

Why are oranges called oranges? What came first, the color orange or oranges? This is a real chicken-and-the-egg problem that should never stop plaguing you. Also whoever did the naming is so lame and uncreative. I hate them.

 

Leo

Hugging is weird. We smush up our bodies  against someone else. You can feel their intestines, which just makes me want to dig in and pull out a gallbladder, so we can be as close as two people can possibly be. Come cuddle with me.

 

Virgo

Why do we have to brush our teeth twice a day? That wastes 130 million minutes of my life. Plus, isn’t that why you’re supposed to go to the dentist every six months, for them to brush your teeth? Stop brushing your teeth to stop wasting your life.

 

Libra

Do you ever wonder what is appropriate to bring to a party or potluck? I recommend bringing a watermelon. It’s a lot of effort to cut up, so I think it’s okay to simply bring a spoon so everyone can take a scoop and share!

 

Scorpio

If you’re feeling lonely, get yourself a body pillow. Not only can you cuddle it to sleep while sobbing about your breakup, you can also use it as a sex partner.

 

Sagittarius

We all have to-do lists. Number one on my to-do list is world domination. The world would be so much better with me in charge. There would be mandatory ice cream eating twice a day, and the GoCo would be renamed the Deece for all of eternity. You’re welcome.

 

Capricorn

Now that Halloween is over, the holiday season has begun!!! I suggest celebrating by watching the new Netflix original Christmas movie. You need to start now or else you’ll get behind on all of Hallmark’s new releases!

 

Aquarius

It’s time to clean your best friend’s room. Odds are they haven’t done laundry yet this school year, and they have resorted to wearing swimsuit tops as bras. Take some pity on them and clean their room while they nap.

 

Pisces

It’s hard to keep up to date with your eyebrows. Plucking and waxing is painful, and it’s such a burden. The stars suggest that you catch your eyebrows on fire and melt them off. Now you won’t have to deal with them for another couple of months!

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