HOROSCOPES

Aries

Reading autobiographies is a lot like watching YouTubers. Typically I’m bored with my own life, so I watch other people shove pie in their best friend’s face. While it’s entertaining, I realize that I honestly don’t care. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you should stop caring about everyone else’s lives.

 

Taurus

I’ve decided it’s time for me to become famous, which is why I’ve bought 2,000 hyenas. On Christmas Eve, I will release all of the hyenas into Central Park. The infestation will take over the streets. If you want to survive, you must pledge your allegiance to me now.

 

Gemini

Did you know wombats poop in cubes? Imagine how much easier it would be to find a mate if humans pooped in squares and then competed for attention by building the biggest fecal tower! I suggest you try building a poop tower to impress your crush!!

 

Cancer

Whenever you speak to your friends, speak in code so others can’t eavesdrop. For example, I screamed, “J’ai mangé les enfants. Ensuite j’ai vomi!” to my friends in the Deece, and no one even looked over!

 

Leo

My kink is being dominated. The most dominant people I can think of are air traffic control up in the tower. They tell you to come up and down. If you’re looking for a high, I suggest breaking in and switching all of the landing patterns.

 

Virgo

I know you’re low on iron. I took the initiative to test your blood, and luckily I noticed the deficiency. Once a month you must drink the blood of fellow humans to stay alive. Hint: The richest source of blood is in the neck.

 

Libra

“Burn!” the oven whispers as it reaches out for your wrist. I’ve heard ovens are up to no good this week, so watch out for burning food or flesh. However, the burns may come in unassuming forms, like a sly statement from a close friend.

 

Scorpio

According to my sister, I can’t wear blankets to class, but wearing a cape is totally trendy. The stars mandate cape wearing this week and will issue punishments for noncompliance. If you aren’t game, expect an eviction notice.

 

Sagittarius

Plane rides are lame rides. Red eyes are dead eyes. I always end up horribly contorted, trying to find an inch of sleep, and eventually I get cramps and cry. If you want to avoid the same duress this week, start a storm with your coven that is nasty enough to ground all planes.

 

Capricorn

I really miss pooping in the privacy of my home. It’s fun to be able to see my friends after a quick piss, but I would prefer if they didn’t have to hear the screeches of my bowls. For a more pleasant week, I suggest holding in your poops.

 

Aquarius

It’s weird to poop while looking at sultry Instagram photos. I feel awkward, but then I wonder if some people wait until they are on the shitter to peruse these photos. However, don’t knock it until you try it.

 

Pisces

It’s time to stop wasting hard-earned money on the laundry machines. I swear the dryer doesn’t actually dry clothes, it just makes them damp. I haven’t washed my sheets all year, and I’m thriving, so follow my lead and stop putting clothes in the wash.

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