Horoscopes

Aries

I know doing homework in your bed is a recipe for disaster. At first you’re falling asleep while writing an essay. Then you’re sleeping in class and drooling a little. The next thing you know, you’ve slept through finals.

 

Taurus

I have serious cravings for salt. At first it looked like only eating fries for every meal, but recently I’ve been stealing salt shakers from the Deece and using it for sustenance. Stop stealing my salt, or I’ll get salty.

 

Gemini

The stars tell me that you’re already stressed about final exams. In that case, you’ll need a lot of procrastinating material, as we have a bunch of study days to waste before exams. I suggest you fist-fight an otter.

 

Cancer

I hate cramps so much. I wish I could cut my whole uterus out. Then there would be no more bleeding for the kids I’ll never have. This is a good week to learn how to do surgery because either you’ll have to operate on me or your big toe.

 

Leo

I’m a little bat. You’re a little bat. Together we can hang from our toes and take a nap. Be sure to cover yourself in black and only go out in the night so you can use your echolocation instead of your eyes.

 

Virgo

I often find myself googling how to wear a cape, which is, in retrospect, a weird thing to google. Don’t you just put it over your shoulders and tie it in the front? However, from my google search I learned about a new style trend, which I want to see every one of you rocking!

 

Libra

My favorite hobby is doing the least im- portant task on my to-do list, so I still feel productive while not doing anything im- portant. I suspect that you’re yearning for ways to complete your to-do lists, so try it my way! I’m sure you’ll start regretting your choice.

 

Scorpio

I know you are worried about how to spend your winter break. What will you do with four weeks all to yourself ? Sure, you could catch up on some TV or hang out with family, but that sounds nowhere near as fun as drafting up a funny 700-word article to print in the Misc!

 

Sagittarius

It’s fun to play games with friends, unless you get too competitive. Keep in mind that winning isn’t everything. You know what is everything? Licking other people’s toes as payment for cookies.

 

Capricorn

I’ve started taking more hand fruit from the Deece. If I see bananas, I’ll put four or five in my backpack. It’s gotten so bad that I took out an orange instead of my calculator in chem lab. If this happens to you, poison the fruit, and kindly offer your enemies a slice.

 

Aquarius

The prophecy is as follows: “You will reach new heights after the 17th moon peaks in the celestial war. Upon the sign, you will join the forces of the many and fight for the few. Also, you should always feed Hannah.”

 

Pisces

Smiting seems like a lot of work for God. Why doesn’t God put us to good use after a smite? Perhaps he could grill up us smited ones for a little BBQ. Avoid sinning this week so you won’t be turned into a hot dog.

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