Horoscopes

Aries

I am a saucy gurl. But are you saucy? The stars suggest that you need to up your slimey quotient this week. One way to do this is to bathe in sauce to become the saucy child you always wish you were.

 

Taurus

Cats are so cute. It’s very hard to cuddle with them though because they are small, and I always have to be the big spoon. I decided to make a Tinder just to find someone to be my big spoon. Unfortunately I got a lot of creepy messages. Either way, I learned that Tinder is the answer to life.

 

Gemini

If you feel like a social outcast this week, don’t try and start the wave. Odds are people will not continue your wave. This will make you look like the loser you are, and everyone else will know too. Sucks.

 

Cancer

Slurp slurp. Gulp gulp. Drink drink. There goes that tomato juice down your throat. Drinking tomato juice will be your only option this week after a skunk sprays down your throat while you were trying to kiss it.

 

Leo

I’ve started going to the gym. On the first day I loitered outside for about 20 minutes to scope out the scene. The next day walked in and then walked out. The next day, I peered into the place with the ellipticals. Face your fears this week and loiter outside the gym.

 

Virgo

Do you ever lick your own tongue? It’s good to know yourself, and I feel normally that includes people feeling themselves all over, but everyone forgets about the tongue. Also, have other people lick your tongue, so if you’re ever in a crunch, you can differentiate your tongue from someone else’s.

 

Libra

Now is the time to start listening to country music. There seems to be a general hatred of the genre, but there are some severely underappreciated lines from Toby Keith like, “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.” “As Good as I Once Was” is a great song. The music video is even better.

 

Scorpio

It’s so sad that I don’t have my mommy to sing me lullabies anymore, so I’ve made my friends start taking shifts singing me to sleep. They actually love it so much that I have a two-month waitlist. Email me for the experience of your life.

 

Sagittarius

It’s okay to be a sad little seed. As long as you keep watering yourself, you’ll grow into a little sapling. Eventually you’ll become a full grown apple and will live in the Deece until you’re smushed into applesauce. Hydrate or die-drate.

 

Capricorn

Show other people pictures of your feet. It’s a guaranteed way to make friends. If they think your feet are gross, don’t fret! You can suggest that they treat you to a nice pedicure, so your toes will look cuter!

 

Aquarius

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head that you just can’t seem to get out? The alignment of the stars predicts that you will get “Gangnam Style” stuck in your head. If you want to knock it out, hit your head hard on a wall to induce a concussion.

 

Pisces

As spring approaches (it was 60 degrees this week), it’s time to start your spring cleaning. Sweep your floors, donate your clothes and ditch the dead body that’s under your bed before it starts to really smell.

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