Horoscopes

Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.

Aires

My family got a new puppy! However, all dinner conversation consists of the looks of her poops and how often she’s peed. When you run out of conversations this week, recount the shapes and consistency of each of your bowel movements from the week.

Taurus

The real question that we should be asking ourselves is how much merch is too much merch. It seems so extra that YouTubers have merch, so I decided to also create a merch line since I have posted one YouTube video. It’s a cooking video.You should watch it.

Gemini

I don’t like when it’s sunny outside. It’s too bright and it hurts my eyes. Instead, I like to close all the blinds, turn off all of the lights and then crawl under my bed, so I can feel like a bat of the night. I recommend that you live under your bed this week to help deal with the stress of school.

Cancer

You will snart (sneeze-fart) in class this week. Try not to be too embarrassed, as it is a regular bodily function. Hopefully, it won’t smell too bad so everyone won’t need to evacuate the building and wait for the fire department to check to see if the fumes are okay.

Leo

You will lick your toes this week. You will do this because I told you to, and I’m your mother, so you better listen to me. Your cell phone privileges will be revoked if you don’t do what I say when I say it.

Virgo

Pull the fire alarm. Just do it. I know you want to. It takes no time at all! However, if you decide to pull the alarm at 2 a.m. in a blizzard, I will personally set your room on actual fire. If you don’t want this to happen, email me to make sure that I am not in the building.

Libra

Succulents are actually the best part of life. The stars suggest that you get yourself a succulent or two because they are guaranteed to make your life better. I talk to mine, Cynthia and Erwin, all the time. Just make sure you say goodnight. You don’t want to neglect them.

Scorpio

I’ve decided healthy eating is no longer important, which means that it is not necessary for you to do either. All of our future meals will be eaten from the dessert station. Some days they may only have the vegan cookies, which will be sad, but we will power through!

Sagittarius

It is easy to overestimate and underestimate the work other people can do. Don’t stress about that this week Sagittarius. Instead, do your entire group project on your own. It’ll be better that way because you won’t be relying on any losers.

Capricorn

The stars predict that you will slay this week. I hope you understand this prediction because It can be interpreted in a couple different ways. Perhaps your outfit will be really cool, or you could slay a dragon. Both seem equally plausible.

Aquarius

It’s time to get serious this week and bulk up. Eat everything in sight. Eat your leftovers. Eat your vitamins. Eat your neighbor’s cat. Eat your friend’s car. Eat your ass. Eat your VCard. Eat your long-lost brother’s toe.

Pisces

I thought I liked limes, so I decided to buy eight limes. However, my lime fetish ended as I bit into the first lime. It was a bad time. Learn from my mistake, and don’t buy eight limes willy-nilly.

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