Have you ever wondered if an iconic figure such as Paris Hilton could transcend the test of time? Well, now you don’t have to, because I asked the dangerous question and did the dangerous research to truly determine if, in fact, Paris Hilton could find her place in a Shakespearean play.
(Enter King James)
King James: Oh, what is the true relationship between beast and man? What is our eternal struggle?
Paris: At which hour I wast young’r, mine own family wouldst wend camping and fishing on our ranches. Mine own father loves being ’round all kinds of animals. That gent’s the one who is’t did get me to beest a very much big animal lov’r.
(Paris looks into the sunset)
Paris: I taketh mine own dog Tink’rbell s’riously. I taketh mine own job s’riously. But I taketh not myself all yond s’riously.
(King James is visibly shaken)
King James: But pray tell, Paris, what of the markets? What of the economy of his great land? How do we undo what has been done?
Paris: ’twill w’rk. I am a marketing genius. I receiveth half a million just to showeth up at parties. Mine own life is, liketh, very much, very much excit’ment. I’ve madeth all mine own wage on mine own owneth without mine own family and I w’rk v’ry hard.
King James: But Paris, how do you know you are capable?
Paris: I’m v’ry intelligent. I’m capable of doing ev’rything putteth to me. I’ve launch’d a p’rfume and wanteth mine owneth hotel bilboes. I’m living proof blondes art not no more brain than stone. Being grown up and in a s’rious relationship, I’ve learn’d so much. I’m happi’r than I’ve ev’ry been. I’m the kind of p’rson who is’t, if ‘t be true I seeth a shooting star, I wouldn’t stayeth th’re and gaze’t. I’d runneth to mine own cater-cousins and bid those folk because i wouldst wanteth ev’ryone to seeth’t too. Addt’only, I misprise the gust of alcohol. At which hour I’m drinking, I’m drinking r’d bull.
King James: But Paris, are you truly serious?
Paris: I very much liketh not going out anym’re. I hath used to loveth t, but anon t’s not excit’ment. I’d rath’r has’t cater-cousins cometh ov’r and hot has’t to w’rry about crazy people taking pictures. I traveleth ’round the w’rld constantly promoting mine own projects and endeth’rsing products. Aye, I doth receiveth hath paid to wend to parties; in fact, I’m the p’rson who is’t did start the whole trend of hath paid compliment externs. But at which hour thee seeth me at a party, i’m at each moment w’rking ‘r promoting something. I’m not the same p’rson i wast. I hath used to act dumb. T’wast an act. I am 26 years fusty, and yond act is nay longeth’r cute. T is not who is’t i am, n’r doth i wanteth to beest yond p’rson f’r the young girls who is’t did look up to me. I knoweth anon yond i can maketh a diff’rence, yond i has’t the pow’r to doth yond.
King James: And what of the great people of this country? What will happen to them?
Paris: All British people has’t plain names, and yond w’rks quaint well ov’r th’re, but I’m the nicest, most loyal p’rson in the w’rld at which hour t’ cometh to mine own cater-cousins, except my betrothed. In regards to mine own ringeth, I liketh, but t’s yellow, and i’m liketh, i didn’t wanteth yellow f’r mine own engagement ringeth.
King James: But Paris, what of the people?
Paris: A true heiress is nev’r cullionly to anyone—except a wench who is’t steals thy boyfriend.
King James: Do you have a message for the people, Paris?
Paris: The only ruleth is beest not b’ring and dresseth cute wh’rev’r thee wend. Life is too sh’rt to blend in.
(Paris moves toward the edge of the stage)
Paris: I bethink t’s imp’rtant f’r people to beest confident. Believeth in yourself and…
(Paris pauses at the edge of the stage)
Paris: …and ev’rybody’s hot.
(King James exits)