Horoscopes

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Aries

I had to write a blog post about how aggression relates to my life. I couldn’t think of anything because I’m a doll. But then I remembered how I started a fight in a club. Punch a few people the next time you go to a bar so you can have a story to share with the class.

Taurus

You should host a prospie. I know it can be daunting to figure out how to entertain them, but I have you covered. Instead of letting them ask questions, you should ask yourself questions. Cuddle them to bed, so they don’t have to sleep on the floor. They will love it here!

Gemini

I will be leaving soon, which is sad because you’ll no longer have someone to accurately predict your life. While uncertainty reigns, please remember to keep your door open when circle jerking in case anyone wants to join. We all need friendship in these tough times.

Cancer

I’ve been told that sometimes I come off as intimidating, which is good because that’s the image I’m trying to project. The stars predict that you will have to converse with someone who is equally as terrifying as me. You should probably run away if you want to stay safe.

Leo

You will live through one of my nightmares. I’m leaning toward the dream where you get eaten by an alligator while swinging (Indiana Jones style) over a fake pond in gym class.

Virgo

We all know how to tell that the end of the semester is near: The emails about outstanding library fines start reminding you that they know where you live. If you accidentally misplaced your library books like I hypothetically did, I suggest kidnapping a book to hold as ransom.

Libra

I hate when you accidentally write the word “feet” too many times in an academic essay. It’s just so awkward when the professor comments “lmao u got a foot fetish?” If you want an uncomfortable relationship with your professors, consider writing about your fetishes.

Scorpio

I haven’t been able to shower for the last week because I ran out of shaving cream. I need to shave every shower, so there was really no other option. If you ever find yourself in a dark place, dry shampoo works on all hairy regions.

Sagittarius

I like to keep my laptop on full brightness and just sit there staring at it. I watch the battery percentage decrease as it slowly dies. Mwahahahhaha. I am all powerful. Try this for yourself, and feel the evil air surround you.

Capricorn

You will be cold this week. Perhaps it’d be a good idea to bring a sweater with you to class. Or you could just bring your entire bed. Better yet, bring a cuddly friend. I hear tigers are cute.

Aquarius

I’m so glad that a mythical creature overtook my soul last week because now it is the one who has to deal with finals. Try to get possessed this week!

Pisces

You will have a good week despite the fact that your friends will leave you at the mall. You’ll have more time to play with the cat piano in Target. All of the other five-year-olds will be so jealous of you.

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