Desperate students confide in womp-womp for advice

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and Pinging

Students, it is the end of the year and many of us are going to summer jobs or internships for the first time, or perhaps are graduating and getting ready to tackle the job market. Meanwhile, others are just finding themselves saddled with questions about daily life. In an effort to help the student populace, The Miscellany News has established an ask column with our college expert who will be known as Womp. He has watched over 300 hours of college movies and has been studying at Vassar for six years. Also, all of his internship applications were denied so he has plenty of time to help.

Dear Womp,

I am a third year Vassar student majoring in chemistry, history, neuroscience and international studies. I keep a 3.8 GPA and I am captain of a local charter of the Youth of America organization. But recently I was wondering if I should take up an instrument as well. I hear it’s good mental exercise, and frankly I only play three sports. I have so much free time that life gets boring.

Sincerely, AvgJoe.

Joe,

Thanks for the question. I actually have a few questions for you in order to help more effectively. First: Were you excavated form Da Vinci’s secret lab? Who is your creator? Not in a cosmic sense; I am honestly assuming you were crafted in some SpaceX bunker that Elon Musk forgot about. Second: How does one go about getting a time turner? I have not seen a Professor McGonagall at the school, so I am not sure who to ask. Where did you get yours? Perhaps it’s better to assume you built it yourself in between creating nanotechnology and curing Ebola. And finally: Try getting a harmonica. They are fun, portable and completely underrated instruments that make a great accompaniment to any ensemble.Hope that helps, remember me when your species takes over the planet.

Best, Womp

Dear Womp,

Yesterday morning I parked my car in the South Lot, and as I was walking back to the Bridge, a deer came out of nowhere and frightened me. I ran into the trees and snagged my shirt, which caused me to trip. I fell in the mud, and I am pretty sure I was bitten by a tick. I have been feeling feverish and I am quite sure my ankle is twisted. I have three quizzes tomorrow I can’t miss. What should I do?

Thanks, Unlucky Duck

Duck,

What color was your shirt? If it was a dark color, to remove the mud, simply wait for it to dry and scrape the excess off with a knife. Then dab it with detergent solution and the stain will come right off. If it was a light color you want to let it soak in the solution for at least two hours. If there is any blood, use a salt or saline solution to get it off. Oh and try to not get TICKED off! Hahahahaha. GO SEE A DOCTOR.

Sincerely, Womp

Dear Womp,

I was recently accepted for a paid internship opportunity in the city. They grant me housing and a stipend, but I will be sharing an apartment with three friends. Though we each have a room, I have never had that many roommates in a space like that before. As I will be doing a lot of writing, I’ll be at home a lot. I am very nervous about it, and just want to have my stuff left alone and have a good time. What are some tips for sharing a space with others, especially since we will always be around each other?

Dearly, Gloomy Roomie

GR,
OH. YOU GOT AN INTERNSHIP. MUST BE NICE HUH. “Oh, Womp, help me! I have summer opportunities and prospects! I get to live with a bunch of friends in the best city in the world. ThEy gRAnt mE HoUsiNg” UGH. Fight me. Anywaaaaaaaay, if you don’t want people going in your room, I would recommend bear traps. Lay them all over your room hidden by carpet “Raiders of the Lost Ark”-style. This way is messy, so see above for blood removal tips. Actually, what’s your budget? You can set up a pretty good laser grid for just under $3,000 that will will alert you to any movement or unauthorized entry. I would spring for the mini-gun turret attachment, though, or else what’s even the point?

As far as getting along and ensuring a habitable home environment, I recommend a list of apartment rules that all roommates agreed to, as well as a chore list and an environment that encourages constant open communication. Oh and fear works great too. Worried one of your roommates won’t adhere to the rules? Well I’m not saying torture is the solution, however… You do outnumber them three to one and own bear traps. So, the ball is in their court.

Good luck with your pAiD InTeRnShiP (sorry, still salty) and remember the old saying “Friendship is forever, but roomateship is until they eat the dino nuggets I had in the freezer since THOSE WERE MY NUGGETS BARBARA. HOW DARE YOU.”

Bitterly, Womp

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