Horoscopes

Aries

My plants are finally sprouting, which is pretty exciting. Sadly, I will have to murder them at the end of the semester when I move out. Good riddance though—they are so needy. Please kill my plants for me because I don’t have the heart.

Taurus

You are destined for greatness this week. You will save a puppy, cure cancer and will be dared to drink a nasty concoction of soap, pickles, hot sauce and pee. Always remember, braveness is a virtue, young one.

Gemini

My new hobby is standing naked in my window watching tour groups walk by. Perhaps it’s less of a hobby and more of a perpetual accident. Either way, it’s a great way to scare off prospective students. I suggest trying it out for the thrill.

Cancer

It’s time for some r&r. Get naked. Take a nap. Have sex with your plants. Light some candles. Burn the test you failed. Accidentally burn your dorm down. Run from the police because they think you are an arsonist. “Vacation” to the Cayman Islands.

Leo

It’s about time that you shake your booty. Not your actual butt, but rather your metaphorical butt. Dig deep inside yourself to release all of the crap. Let it all out.

Virgo

I got trapped in the 24 hour section of the library last night. I was angrily shushing a chatty friend group then realized it was 2 a.m. and that I didn’t know how to get out. If you do want to hang in the library in the wee hours of the morning, please remember to shut the fuck up.

Libra

Founder’s Day is coming up, so it’s important to remember to protect yourself. While there are signs warning people about snorting too much sunscreen and not using enough acid, there’s a bigger threat that no one is talking about: ALIEN ABDUCTIONS! It’s literally going to be the alien Wild West out there.

Scorpio

Now’s the time in the semester to stop turning in your homework. The stars suggest that you’ll fail anyways, so stop putting in all of the extra effort.

Sagittarius

I know you’ll miss me when I’m gone. What I suggest is creating a Hannah-themed shrine in the places I frequent, such as late night, Strong MPR and Sanders Physics. Please include some sexy lines of computer code.

Capricorn

Sometimes I walk all the way to Rocky (from Strong) and then remember that I have to hike up to the third floor. If any of your classes next semester are on third floor Rocky, just drop them now. You won’t go and we both know it.

Aquarius

You are bound to find yourself in some tough interpersonal dynamics this week. Instead of evoking compassion and agreeing to compromise, fight them. Take that sucker down. NO ONE DISOBEYS YOU!!!

Pisces

I hope room draw went okay and that you’re not living with a scary stranger. However, if poor luck has befallen you, no need to worry. Simply greet them on move-in day lathered in lotion and sliding around on the floor.

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