[Disclaimer: This article is part of our April Fools’ Day issue.]
You know, there have been a lot of people in the fake Miscellany News who have been very unfair to me as I start my historic second term. For a paper that nobody reads, it is really quite sad that so many people have been putting effort into saying bad things about me, folks. Especially because Vassar College has, frankly, become a dumpster fire in the past few years of radical left administration.
Sleepy President Bradley should not be president. She is one of the most radical left Marxist people I have ever met; she is basically Che Guevara on steroids. She wants to burn the whole system down, believe me, you can tell every time she opens her mouth. She is never on campus either. She is always going off to Rwanda or Washington. What is in Rwanda? And what is in Washington? Nobody knows, I could not tell you. Sleepy PB could tell you in her Sunday emails, but she never does. I can never guess the mystery picture, and when I do, I am never the first because it is rigged. There is only one way out of this mess: she has to divest. Divest from all these health organizations and youth outreach programs, or Vassar is going to run out of money and be gone. We love divestment. Frankly, I would have divested on day one.
Let me tell you, Gordon Commons (the Deece) is something out of hell. What are the burgers made of? Nobody knows. Nobody knows except Dining Services, and they do not want you to know. Then it got flooded in a terrorist attack by students from Marist University. They are just letting in Marist people all the time. They are giving out guest passes like they are lollipops. These Marist people are flooding the kitchens, they are kidnapping our plastic Deece cups. How many Deece cups were missing in my first term? Zero. We were very brutal and ruthless with this kind of criminal behavior. Now they have stolen 250 in one day. Can you believe that? And you know, everyone laughed at me when I said at that debate that I only had a concept of a plan. Well, the Deece, they only have a concept of food from China and food from Mexico. They do not want to say that they can not make Chinese food, so they call it a concept of Chinese food! And now, they will never get the right ingredients because of tariffs. They had their chance.
The dorms are a horrible disaster. We have little Luis Inoa telling the people that they have to live in a cesspool for all four years. A lot of the dorms are huge dumps—except Jewett. You have really a very beautiful location with Jewett House. Add 80 more floors and fix the pool table, and it could become a Trump Tower. As for the other dorms, we have Disgusting Davi, we have Lousy Lathrop, and we have Nasty Noyes. Strong I really liked, but the people there did not really like me.
A lot of people here say they do not like me. Why is that? When I go to other places, they say they like me. Even the single-digit population of Vassar students who voted for me are saying they do not always like me. Why do Vassar students not like me? Everybody is saying that they are very cliquey. That must be the one, singular reason why. Well, Vassar College, I do not like you either! You have a party scene that is completely dead. You have students who are brainwashed into hating Elon Musk. What has Elon done to make people hate him? He is a great guy! And the streets are not safe! You can not go for a walk at night without some thug running up to you and trying to recruit you for a psychology study. Very sad.
I am going to go now, I am a very busy guy. But, writers of The Miscellany News, before you go and criticize me for being hostile to democratic institutions, burning relationships with our closest allies, raising prices on American consumers, shutting down aid programs that save lives, deporting migrants who have families and help our economy and coercing free speech on college campuses, just remember that you Vassar students are not so perfect either. Your radical left bubble does not even have good food or a football team. So do not act like you can judge me, folks.