Vassar College has announced plans to establish a Vampire Studies program, in which students will be able to declare a major or a correlate. The Vampire Studies Department will fall under the multidisciplinary studies umbrella, and will be housed in the Old Laundry Building. World-renowned vampire scholar Count Dracula will head up the program as the department chair, with Count Orlok, Edward Cullen, Carmilla and many more joining as professors.
“I am very excited for this new program,” said Nos Feratu ’28. “I am currently a biology major, but I vill be declaring a Vampire Studies correlate as soon as I can. I vould love to take a class vith Professor Dracula! And all the classes vork so vell vith my schedule.” All Vampire Studies classes will be held after the sun sets, and students will have the option to take classes while hanging upside down.
“Vhat fun it vill be to learn more about vampires!” said Vladimir Vamp ’29. “I have a somevhat…intimate knowledge of the subject already, but I vill be very excited to take a deep dive into the vampiric vorld.” Vamp had more to say about his excitement for the new department, but due to his longing, hungry stare directed at the interviewer’s neck, The Misc decided to end the conversation early.
The department will have two pathways for the major, Applied Vampirism and Vampire Theory. The applied pathway will have courses such as “Introduction to Biting,” “Prowling with a Purpose,” “Senior Stalking Seminar,” “Advanced Bat Transformation” and “Mastering Shadows.” The theoretical pathway’s courses include “Anatomy of a Fang,” “Studying Stoker,” “Vampiric Folklore,” “Introductory Transylvanian History” and “Society’s Mirror: A Lack of Reflection.” Correlates must also choose between the two pathways.
Not all students are thrilled about the new department. “It’s really annoying that the Deece is going garlic-free two days a week,” said Haley Brown ’27. “I mean, I get that none of the new professors can eat there, but if I don’t get my daily fix of garlic, I will go crazy and hurt myself and others.” On Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Grill at the Deece will become “GRLC” for breakfast, lunch and dinner, serving foods made entirely without garlic to ensure safety for Vassar’s new vampiric students and faculty.
“I heard they might be bringing in Van Helsing as a guest lecturer!” said Zach Flisakowski ‘27. “That’s going to be super cool. His talk is going to be held in the room in Rocky with the comically large cage dangling from the ceiling above the podium. So fun!”
When asked about the legendary vampire hunter’s lecture, Associate Professor Count Orlok said “yes… so fun” and hid a giant sword behind his back.
“I am honored to be leading this department,” said Professor Count Dracula, new chair of the Vampire Studies Department. “This vill represent a new horizon in human-vampire relations, and I am thrilled that Vassar is taking steps to break down barriers. All of the students look so tasty–I mean, curious.” Professor Count Dracula refused to give further comments, instead sweeping out of the room dramatically as his cape blew behind him.
Vampire Studies will be open to all students, human and vampire. “I vill be teaching a class entitled ‘A Voman’s Guide to Vampirism,’ vhich vill investigate vampirism through a feminist lens. The class vill be crosslisted vith the Vomen, Feminist, and Queer Studies Department,” said Professor Carmilla. “I aim to create a velcoming environment, vith open dialogues for human and vampire students alike.”
The College has also announced plans to convert the basement of Josselyn House into vampire-only dorms for the predicted influx of new vampire students. “I’m very sensitive to the needs of all Vassar students,” said Rich Horowitz, director of community expectations and housing. “There’s very little sunlight in the Joss basement, and it feels almost tomblike, which is the ideal environment for vampire students. Of course, students can live in any house they feel comfortable in, but the new Joss Vasement will be a dorm catered directly to their vampiric needs.” Upon hearing this announcement, Vladimir Vamp ’29 immediately requested a room change, while his roommate Eric breathed a sigh of relief and removed the crucifix from his neck.
The Vampire Studies Department will begin offering classes in the 2026-27 school year.