It was a blustery October morning, and the red leaves fell around me like tiny blazing embers. I was making my journey to the grand halls of Gordon Commons when I spotted out of the corner of my eye a sign of impending doom: five mounted riders, arranged in a V-like attack formation, similar to geese or fighter jets. This battalion of e-scooter cavalry sped towards me, a whiny din growing louder and louder. I had but a second to act before being trampled by the stampede. Fearing for my bodily condition, I jumped to the side and took refuge in the bushes surrounding the Nircle.
Following this traumatic experience, I have come to one resolute conclusion: E-scooters must go. To convince you of my position, dear reader, I will enumerate my complaints with the electric evil before presenting a modest proposal to solve the epidemic at hand.
The first and greatest issue with e-scooters is the terrible safety concern they pose to us, the law-abiding denizens of the Vassar College sidewalks. “Put simply, scooters go fast; people do not! When a scooter meets an unsuspecting pedestrian, CRASH and owies ensue!” says Professor of Anthropology Martha Kaplan. Moreover, e-scooters endanger their own users. Truly, no person should ever desire to ride one, lest they, at great speed, collide with a low railing and be flung over the handlebars, where their head will be smitten upon a rock.
Beyond the safety concerts, e-scooters’ general presence is a detriment to the campus milieu. As a matter of principle, e-scooters are uncool. Their piercing shriek assaults my eardrums every morning, shattering the tranquility of the Hudson River Valley. Would Vassar have gained its picturesque reputation if, throughout its history, its sidewalks hummed with incessant electric buzzing and thronged with two-wheeled death traps? How would Jackie Kennedy feel if she had to walk to class every day fearing for her life?
However, what strikes me the most is how unnecessary e-scooters are. Vassar’s campus is known for packing great beauty into a small area. At the beginning of the year, President Bradley spoke to the first-year students about the importance of taking time to pause on Vassar’s meandering sidewalks—advice that has been ignored by much of the student body. The way people ride e-scooters, you would think they were cruising in the left lane on I-87 North towards Albany.
In my time pondering this subject, I have become acutely aware of two pieces of knowledge. Firstly, e-scooters are electrical, and secondly, electrical fires burn at great length. Naturally, my solution is as follows: burn them all!
Such a solution promises several benefits, including: an environmentally-friendly solution to the many months of winter heating, a cathartic release for those wronged by e-scooters and a ceremonial eternal flame that shall be displayed atop the roof of the house reigning as Brewer Games champion.
It is with a (scooter-sustained) fire in my heart that I write this, calling to all Vassar students: Bring your e-scooters to the Nircle, and together, we will gleefully watch the flames rise into the night.