As the renovation of the Library’s 24-hour section draws to a close, Vassar College has announced plans to create a new 24-hour section in the Gordon Commons dining hall, commonly referred to as the Deece. The new section will consist of the west side of the first floor, from the dishroom and soda machines over to the window, colloquially referred to as the “straight side” of the dining hall.
“We’re adding a 24-hour section to the Deece because my DoorDash fees have really been adding up recently,” said President Bradley. “When the midnight snack urge hits, I just can’t say no. But now, instead of paying an absurd amount of money for someone to drive my food to me at 2 a.m., I can send John into the Deece for free!”
“You greedy bastards just can’t get enough, can you?” said Head of Dining, Gordon Common when asked to comment. “It’s never good enough. I give and I give and you just keep taking. Sure, 24-hour dining hall. Go right ahead. Do you want to come sleep at my house, too? Do you want to have sex with my wife? Do you want everything I own and everything I am? What the hell, just go right ahead and take it.”
The new 24-hour section will be painted a sickeningly bright orange to distinguish it from the rest of the dining hall. The main dining hall entrance will close at 11 p.m. and students will have to enter through the side, setting off the emergency alarm every time the door opens. Food will be served depending on the whims of the dining staff, who have told The Misc that they plan on taking bribes.
Some students are thrilled with the proposed change. “I’ve always said there’s just not enough Deece in my life,” said Sam Vandyck ’27. “Sometimes I’m in there from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. and it’s still not enough. Maybe I’ll start sleeping there.”
Others question whether the all-hours access is necessary. “First the 24-hour section in the library and now the Deece? What’s next, 24-hour dorms?” said Maria Milovanovic ’27. “Please. It builds character to have to sleep outside if you don’t get to your dorm by 9 p.m.” When told that dormitories do in fact have 24-hour card access, Milovanovic threw her pillow and sleeping bag to the ground and stormed off.
Some students have their own ideas for the new space. “I’m hoping that the Deece takes on more of a speakeasy vibe, like in season three of ‘Riverdale,’” said Zach Flisakowski ’27, self-proclaimed “Riverdale” aficionado. “Veronica opens up a secret speakeasy in the basement of the town diner. Do you think the Deece would do anything like that?” When asked about the possibility of a speakeasy, Gordon Common began to tear his hair out and throw it at Misc reporters, who quickly retreated.
On that note, the Retreat, Street Eats and Express will adjust their operating hours due to the new Gordon Commons changes. The Retreat will keep the same daily hours and will be open one weekend a month, invite-only. Street Eats will continue serving loaded fries vaguely inspired by various ethnic cuisines five days a week. Express will be open between 11:00 a.m. and 11:01 a.m., 2:03 p.m. and 2:05 p.m. and 4:16 p.m. and 4:23 p.m. seven days a week.
The new 24-hour section of the Deece will open at the start of the 2026 spring semester. The deans will serve 3 a.m. breakfast to celebrate the grand opening.