I am not exactly known to be a fan of sports. I notoriously feigned illness my freshman year of high school so that I could earn credit for being on my school’s junior varsity volleyball team without playing a single game. However, I love the Winter Olympics. I was puzzled, though, by the selection of events. I understand that there may be some “safety concerns” when dealing with ice and snow, but that didn’t stop me from wondering: Where’s the creativity?
The Winter Olympics may have ended, but my inquiries persist. Thus, here are the events I expect to see at the French Alps in 2030.
Three-Legged Speed Skating
We all remember the childhood thrill of three-legged races: the struggle to coordinate a mess of limbs, the slight discomfort of being yoked to your counterpart and the numerous face-first landings in a half-dead lawn. I personally don’t understand why this activity needs to be reserved for the warmer months. In this sport, the flimsiest rope binds two speed skaters together as they precisely balance their paces and rhythms across the ice. It’s the perfect combination of nostalgia and athleticism.
Beginner Figure Skating
I am so tired of seeing people on the ice who know what they’re doing. I am no physics major, but there is no way it’s possible for all these athletes to perfectly balance on the thinnest blade after just landing a septuple-axel-lutz-double-spiral-mcflurry. Why was everyone so scandalized when “Quad God” Ilia Malinin fell twice? I think two falls should be the minimum. Where’s the representation for people who still need to lean on a stack of buckets to make it across the ice? In a competition riddled with “skill” and “discipline,” I choose equality.
Bucket Stacking
Speaking of buckets, this next sport brings us back to my third-grade physical education class, where instead of playing dodgeball, we practiced Cup Stacking. This Olympic event occurs at a public ice rink, where skaters attempt to construct and deconstruct a four-tiered tower of five-gallon buckets. The buckets are not provided—rather, they’re grabbed from the hands of a three-year-old just learning to skate, or a 21-year-old who really shouldn’t be on the ice. While a rope ladder is provided to each athlete, it is seldom used as the adrenaline of the sport usually results in an astonishing display of aerodynamicism.
Doubles Snowboard
While I have never stepped foot on a snowboard, I imagine the experience is quite similar to skating; as I cruise around campus on my Hello Kitty skateboard, I always think, this would be so much better with another person! Picture an extra-wide snowboard, leaving merely a centimeter between the two athletes. The frontman provides balance, while the snowboarder in the back is responsible for steering. Who knows, maybe they will even lightly embrace to improve coordination.
Snow Shoveling
One of the most frustrating things about winter is needing to dig everything out of the snow. Why do I need to work out my forearms just to open a door? I truly believe that shoveling snow is a sport in and of itself. In this Olympic event, athletes will begin on top of a 20-foot pile of snow and will compete to see who can dig the deepest tunnel in five minutes. Of course, nobody knows how they exit their tunnels, as the audience will have probably left by the time they emerge.
Reverse Curling
Curling truly fascinates me. What are we trying to achieve here? Why are we sweeping? Heck, why not have a Roomba do it? Thus, reverse curling is born. The participant travels across the ice in a dense granite dish while a glitching Roomba with a small broom attachment clears the path. The athlete must maintain the most exquisite core strength to follow the Roomba’s sudden movements wherever it goes, even if it’s far from the finish line.
Uphill Skiing
My favorite part of any ski race is the run uphill. However, I never understand why skiers need to disregard their technique and equipment at this step. This event isolates this segment of the race and requires that skiers maintain proper form, using their poles to hoist themselves up the hill. Snow may pile onto the skis and into their boots, but what is winter without the tactile nightmare of cold, wet socks?
Snow Angels
Growing up in California, I felt like I missed out on so many important childhood experiences that came with a proper winter. One of those was the creative process of lying down in the snow and flailing my limbs so that I could imprint a blob wearing clothes with a degree of bagginess you could only find at Vassar College. This Olympic event bridges the gap between sports and arts. Participants must work on their angels for two minutes, taking extra care to prevent their body heat from melting the snow. They will be graded on their angel’s precision, depth and, of course, visual appeal.
Penguin Skeleton
Every day, I wonder how we can bring more whimsy to the Olympics. I find myself captivated by the pure joy and exhilaration penguins experience when gliding across the ice. Inspired by their semi-aquatic counterparts, skeleton participants will now race without their sleds, their hand-sewn suits instead insulated with a modest layer of lab-grown blubber and lined with soft synthetic feathers. It may not be the most efficient way to travel across the ice, but boy is it joyful.
Roald Dahl’s Luge
Everyone in my life is sick of hearing me talk about doubles luge. However, I think they just don’t get it. I, too, was confused at first why this needed to be a two-person job. But now I say, the more the merrier! Inspired by the sleeping arrangement of Charlie’s grandparents in the 1971 classic film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” the event will have athletes fit onto an extra-wide luge in alternating directions. Is it safe? Probably not. But what’s more thrilling than joyriding down the ice, entangled in your peers’ legs?