The time has come for me to give you 12 final pieces of impeccable advice. I hope you take it all to heart. Thank you for trusting me to advise you so many times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Aries: The day has finally come! Remember, when you finally get the last Ikea bag in the car and drive away, not knowing when (or if) you’ll be back, it isn’t you against the world. I think Sondheim put this best: “Sometimes people leave you / Halfway through the wood / Others may deceive you / You decide what’s good / You decide alone / But no one is alone.” May we all find our way back to these woods one day.
Taurus: Don’t be afraid! The world is your oyster now! Well… unless you’re allergic to oysters. I’ve heard that’s a common affliction that some perfect and hilarious Tauruses suffer from.
Gemini: I promise your hair doesn’t look weird under the cap. Or, if it does, it’s just one weird head in a sea of weird heads. They don’t really flatter anyone.
Cancer: Listen to whatever Noah Baumbach says really carefully. I’m sure it’s great advice. At least it’ll be better than that crazy AI bootlicking speech that went viral last week.
Leo: You can’t hang on to things when it’s time to leave. Trust me, anyone who’s ever eaten potato salad one day later than is wise knows what I’m talking about. Let go <3
Virgo: HEY, STOP, no more reminiscing. You aren’t serious about wanting to stay another year, that’s enough. Just think about that one time there was like all fish at the Deece for a week.
Libra: Seize this moment! Look around, hug someone, kiss someone, make amends with all your greatest enemies. Tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem!
Scorpio: I swore to never tell, but these are my last horoscopes, I can do whatever I want. The love of my life is a Scorpio, so I always conveniently made the best predictions for you guys. Kisses!
Saggitarius: I think I finally spelled it right the first time! I always knew that I’d learn something in college, I hope you learned everything you wanted too. If you didn’t, there’s still time :)
Capricorn: Someone told me recently that they’ve radically accepted the uncertainty of their future. I wish I could give you, in these last lines, some certainty, or at least the gift of that acceptance. I’m sorry, I can’t. There is time to worry about it all later though, for now, let your loved ones take one more picture.
Aquarius: How do you feel? Does it ache, do you want to cry, do you want to scream, are you relieved? I think I’m all of that. Let it out. I don’t know you, but I love you.
Pisces: The last horoscopes I’ll ever write. Of course it’s Pisces. Pisces. Ridiculous way to spell a word. God, I fucking hate Pisces.