Dear all,
Welcome back to Vassar! It’s so nice to see so many friendly faces on campus. I am writing to say hello and welcome you back to another semester under my fearless leadership and steady guiding hand. Rest assured, all will be well at Vassar this year with me as your guiding star.
First-year students, I’d like to extend a very special welcome to you! This is an exciting time: moving into your dormitory, meeting your roommate(s) and taking your very first college classes. It’s perfectly normal to feel stress or anxiety during this transformative and uncertain time of your life, but I guarantee that each and every one of you will find success at Vassar if you stay true to yourself, keep an open mind and remember one very important thing: This is my fucking campus, and I run the show.
The rest of you bitches? Business as usual. Read on.
Campus updates
As a modern, ever-evolving institution that needs to figure out what to do with all this tuition money, we’ve made several improvements and changes to campus over the summer.
New station in Gordon Commons: TROUGH. The dining staff will put all leftovers from the previous day in one big trough and you all can kind of pick at it if you want. You might find a whole chicken, you might find a bunch of overcooked vegetables and you might find some ice cream. Who knows? Maybe you and a mysterious stranger will go for the same piece of spaghetti and end up smooching in the trough, “Lady and the Tramp” style.
New and improved campus walkways: You know all the paths that wind all over campus, seemingly at random? We added several more and made them even more random! You can now walk directly from Skinner Hall to Wimpfheimer Nursery School to TA 46 via one continuous path, as each and every student has longed to do at some point or another. All of the other new paths are dead ends.
We got rid of Raymond. Sorry, not sorry. I wanted a bigger office.
Sunset Lake maintenance: In an attempt to combat the algae and plants covering the surface of Sunset Lake, the Grounds team has given each and every frog, turtle and goose a little pair of gardening shears. It is only through coexistence with nature that we can find true harmony. We hope this project will keep the lake clean, push the boundaries of amphibian dexterity and show us just how fast a Vassar student can run when chased by a goose holding sharp gardening shears in its beak.
Advice to first-year students
I am a benevolent leader. I believe in sharing ideas and collaboration in the pursuit of collective knowledge. Thus, I have decided to give returning students a chance to give advice to first-year students in my very first email of the semester. Check out what some of your classmates have to say!
“Join as many clubs as possible! It’s a great way to meet friends who share your interests. If I hadn’t joined Poppers Club, I never would have found people who enjoyed popping bubble wrap as much as I do!”
– Maria Milovanovic ’27
“Advice for freshmen? I’d have to say that you need to use the ice cream scoop in the Deece. You can’t just grab the ice cream with your hands and shove it in your pockets. Learned that one the hard way.”
– Haley Brown ’27
“DO NOT ask PB if she’s presidenting hard or hardly presidenting. She does not find it funny.”
– Zach Flisakowski ’27
“The Misc Humor section is super cool. All the coolest people on campus write for it. I started writing for Misc humor, and I’m polling at 200 percent increased coolness among my fans. I have an entourage of fans now that I write for Misc humor.”
– Anna Berggren ’27
Personal Updates
It can’t be all campus, all the time. I have had a wonderful, productive summer. I decided I ought to let you all know what I’ve been up to so you can see that it’s better and more interesting than what you’ve been up to.
Travel: John and I spent a magical two weeks in Rwanda. It was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and we’ll be back in a month.
Extracurriculars: With all of my free time during the summer, I’ve found myself wanting to take up some hobbies. After diligently training for two whole months, I’ll be making my WWE debut against Rhea Ripley as President Punisher Bradley next week. Tune in on ESPN!
Appearance: Keeping the bob. Keeping the pantsuits. Might try a fun winged eyeliner.
Quote of the week
“Hard to remain patient with friends who focus solely on their own crucifixion. Get off The Cross, ladykins… we could use the wood!” (RuPaul)
Stay freaky,
President Bradley