Professor Ruby Holiday, who teaches the seminar PYRO 319: “Fire: Our Hearts, Minds, and Breath,” has deigned to hold an exclusive interview with The Miscellany News about the recent President Bradley-themed fireworks show. The show, which concluded with a large bust of President Bradley inciting a conflagration that spread over Rocky, the Library and Raymond, burning all three buildings down to a crisp, has been the subject of much campus gossip. In the latest Sunday Email, the President denied any responsibility, writing that if she did harbor a strong, obsessive desire to destroy all three buildings, rebuilding Raymond would certainly be easier than renovating it anyways, so “[students] might as well take what [they] can get.” In addition, she mentioned that paying a sum of money over $300,000 to perform unauthorized acts of arson is something she would never do—in the past, she has always kept herself to a strict limit of $299,999.30. The President closed by writing that the last Sunday Email image, which had been correctly guessed to be the recently added Loeb piece “Exploding Raymond,” was a “complete coincidence.” Regardless of the President’s statements, The Miscellany News’ truly inflammatory interview with Holiday offers bombshells even the coolest readers will find intriguing. The interview has been lightly edited for length and clarity.
Ruby Holiday: Most people believe that fire is the element of breath, or that fire is a spiritual object, whose existence is tied to the nature of the world—that is, all fires must wane over time, and all pyromancers must wane too. Or, they believe that there is a fire within all of us, and that anyone can unlock the gift. I’ve even heard of some people who believe that trauma can extinguish that fire forever. The truth is, all of these beliefs are a little right. But they’re also very wrong.
The Misc: How so?
RH: Fire exists within all of us, but to use it consciously must be taught. Everyone has pectoral muscles, but only some people can flex them, right? Yet fire is used regardless. Have you ever felt yourself burning up when stressed? That’s your inner fire feeding on you because it has nothing else to nourish itself with. Anyways, I taught four administrative members how to control the fire of their souls: President Bradley, Dean Luis Inoa, Jacqueline Perez and Rich Horowitz. Also John Bradley, but he’s legally considered President Bradley, so I don’t count him.
M: Are you expecting us to… figure out who did it?
RH: Yes. Let’s examine the clues. Rich Horowitz has always despised Raymond. Think about it: His inbox must be clogged all the time, just like the 2 South bathroom! He would like nothing more than to destroy it utterly, so he can rebuild it into his ultimate vision: the Center for Student Living, where students can manually bring their grievances and submit them to the Student Wellness Department.
M: But wouldn’t that complicate the process?
RH: Exactly. And by removing the unequivocally most hellish dorm, he’ll also massively decrease the number of student complaints. It’s a win-win.
M: Do you have any hypotheses as to where the displaced students will be moved?
RH: They will probably have to live in Jewett. Or in one of the THs, which Vassar can charge extra on. Now, who runs Student Financial Services?
M: Jacqueline Perez. But isn’t that illegal? And won’t the destruction of the Library and Rocky demand millions of dollars in reconstruction?
RH: This is all Vassar College property. And by burning money this way, Vassar College has made way for a permanent tuition increase. Think! Do you really think Vassar needs to charge you $150,000 per semester for tuition! Why else would it increase so much?
[shocked gasps]
M: But what about the Dean? He doesn’t have a motive.
RH: Hmm. You’re right. He doesn’t have a motive as of now. But a few years ago…
[A sepia tone gains prominence.]
M: What is that?
RH: Oh. Sorry. Ignore that. I tend to do that whenever I have to give presentations in lecture. I guess sometimes it just happens by accident. Let me fix that real quick…
[The sepia tone fades away.]
M: No, no, it’s fine.
[The sepia tone multiplies. A sepia spouse can be heard, as well as a sepia pet, and several sepia children. If one listens closely, one can also hear a sepia grandparent baking cookies.]
RH: Alright. As I was saying… a few years ago, the Dean and I were on a walk, when he tripped down the stairs of Rocky. He swore vengeance, and I could see his inner fire burning in his eyes. A few months ago, he became secluded, and would no longer show up to faculty-admin tea parties. Where, yes, we all do gossip about our least favorite students. But he didn’t show up to the parties anymore. Whenever I would see him, I could see he had this sort of sickness about him. He was obsessed with something…and he kept muttering about renovation. It was about this time he approached me, and asked to learn my arts. Naturally, I obliged. He learned quickly.
[One can suddenly hear a busy street, and on the streets are passing, to and fro, kaleidoscopic colors. As they pass, one can hear their names and see their color, and the color of their progeny, and of their progeny’s progeny. Master and pupil are training together, learning how to fear and love the flame. The sounds are rich and flicker like fire.
Suddenly, there’s an angry merchant kaleidoscope. He angrily flashes and demands payment for the tesseract he gave you, as a mob of sound and light can be felt. Run! Quickly! You’re being cornered. Escape! Stop listening—!]
At press time, in addition to the mysterious outbreak of Non-Disclosure Agreements among our best reporters, The Miscellany News wishes to report that the entire administration of Vassar College has been declared legally President Bradley, and therefore it is uninvestigatable. Thus, no matter how much the evidence points to the entire operation being one incredibly cliché “Orient Express” rip-off, the identity of the culprit remains a mystery.