On Friday, July 25, while most students were returning to their summer cottages from their grueling 11-to-3s at their parent’s biotech/art gala startups, the Vassar Board of Maintenance (BM), headed by President Elizabeth Bradley, convened to discuss upcoming campus-wide changes to student facilities for the following year. Many topics are as of yet unresolved, such as mold cultures in the Raymond ceilings, asbestos is the Raymond drywall and leaks in the Raymond plumbing. However, no decision was quite as consequential as the procurement of new toilet paper for bathrooms across campus. Much deliberation was had to resolve one of, if not the most, pressing issue facing the Vassar student body: anus sanitation. The conclusion of these talks, a bold and controversial new direction: installment of 80 grit sandpaper rolls in place of sanitary tissue.
Initially, the BM had elected for a smooth, 100 grit sandpaper to be used. However, they eventually settled on the coarser, budgetarily practical 80 grit sandpaper, given its exemplary sanitation capabilities, in even the most stubborn cases. Many students have voiced suspicions that it was the allocation of majority facility funds to Sensi-tush™, triple-ply, ultra-soft, lotion-max toilet paper sent to President Bradley’s Berkshire estate that forced this decision. When asked about these theories, Bradley declined to comment..
Since returning to school, many students have found the transition to 80 grit abrupt. “It was a shock to the system,” said Caden Dillard ’29. “I just grabbed a strip to wrap up. Didn’t even notice the damage until it was too late.” Dillard added, “I don’t want to use the same stuff down there that I could use to take the paint off my car—a convertible, by the way.”
“Vassar students need to learn that they are not here for bodily comfort,” said Vice President of the BM, Preston Stotsworth. “They come here to build character in strict conditions.” Setting his martini down on a coaster before retiring beneath his cashmere throw blanket, Stotsworth refused to comment further.
With this decision comes the emergence of new student advocacy groups, such as the Aggravated Student Society. Their chants of “end the grit” can be heard from the BM meeting room. Under pressure, the BM took the possibility of deploying 60 grit sandpaper off the table as a “placating compromise.” This has not seemed to quell student voices, and the Aggravated Students remain resolute on “shining a light where the sun don’t shine.”
Of course, there was the issue of how the sandpaper should be cut, given the lack of serrated edges on the newly installed toilet paper dispensers. The BM issued a memo that it is to be expected students bring a pair of scissors or X-Acto Knife into the bathroom with them in order to slice an appropriate amount of sandpaper for the job at hand. This has been met with sweeping backrash.
You must be kidding. With the amount of tuition, you should supply wet wipes or perhaps cashmere wipes.