Hello!
I’m a songwriter and I’ve been working on releasing music for the last few months. I wrote a song a little bit ago about an ex, and not to toot my own horn but…it’s kinda really good. Well, at least, I think it’s good. To say the least, I’m super proud of it and would love to release it soon. However, it is pretty clearly about my ex and while it makes me a little happy to know he will listen to it and know it’s about him, I still feel bad. I don’t know! Part of me doesn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I care enough. It’s also not the kindest song, and while we’re not on the best terms, I still care about him and don’t want to make things more awkward. For context, we ended things back in June, so it’s been a minute, but we’ve seen each other since and share a lot of mutuals. I’m trying to prioritize myself and put myself out there, but I’ve been stuck in this dilemma of whether or not I should release it or wait.
Best,
Calm Commander
Dear Calm Commander,
Did Beyoncé shy away from releasing “Sorry”? Did Kendrick Lamar worry about Drake’s feelings when writing “Not Like Us”? Did Stevie Nicks decide not to perform “Silver Springs” because of Lindsey Buckingham? The answer to all these questions, my friend, is no. Furthermore, these songs have all contributed to wins at the Grammy Awards. In my humble opinion, there is no better time to release your song than the present. Frankly, I think it could be a grave mistake to wait. First of all, you could be depriving the world of a hit. Second, if you know for a fact that your ex is going to know this song is about him, you might run the risk of seeming caught up on him. And hey, who knows, maybe you are. Been there, so I can’t really judge you for that. However, my main advice with breakups is to always appear as nonchalant and unbothered as humanly possible, even if that’s not what resonates inwardly. Let’s say you wait nine months to release. If your ex hears the song, he could assume that you’re still not over him, which could create a whole other issue.
Also, assuming that your ex knew you were a songwriter and musician, he’d be a fool to think he could end things on bad terms and get away with it. Being a muse is not without its risks, and when you’re involved with a musician, you accept that there will be songs written about you for better or for worse. Now, that doesn’t mean you need to go out of your way to make his life miserable. If the song contains genuinely cruel or private information that you know would cross a line, then maybe that’s worth reconsidering. But if it’s simply an honest, unflattering account of a relationship that ended on bad terms? Welcome to songwriting. Art has been making people uncomfortable since the dawn of time.
And, perhaps most importantly, I would caution you against letting the possibility of his feelings dictate your career. You wrote the song. You’re proud of the song. You lived through the relationship. At some point, you have to decide whether you’re a songwriter or an ex-boyfriend’s personal relations manager. Me personally? I vote songwriter. Furthermore, you mentioned that there are a lot of mutuals in the mix. They know the situation, and regardless of how they might feel about it knowing the both of you, they love you and will without a doubt support you. At the end of the day, they are your friends, and your relationship with them is independent from whatever happened with your ex.
So, Calm Commander, release the song. And soon. Don’t announce it with “this one’s about you” or “you know who you are.” Just put the song out into the world, promote it like you would any other song and carry on with your life. If your ex hears it and thinks it’s about him, that’s between him and his headphones. And if he thinks, “Wow, Calm Commander must still be thinking about me,” well… maybe. But he’ll have to live with that thought while you collect the streams. And, to quote Carly Simon, “You’re so vain / You probably think this song is about you.”
Best,
Leah