Hello!
For the longest while, I thought myself aromantic. There were people I wanted to be friends with, but I never found myself interested in anyone romantically, whatever that meant. That changed at the end of last semester when I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about someone—let’s call them A—and proceeded to spend all summer agonizing over it. I came into this year figuring I’d try to get closer to them, but that hasn’t exactly been happening, partly because I’m extremely busy, partly because I don’t think we’re not friendly enough to just randomly do stuff together, partly because I think we’re just somewhat in different spheres.
However, I’m pretty sure that someone else—let’s call them B—is interested in me. They’ve just been extremely friendly and, I think, kinda flirty. B is a fantastic person, and I really admire them, but I just don’t find myself interested for some reason. A and B also know each other pretty well, which makes this whole thing extra weird and stress-inducing for me. What should I do? I’m not sure how I should proceed in both of these (not) relationships.
Best,
Vexed Ventricular Vessel
Dear Vexed Ventricular Vessel,
To start, romantic attraction is one of the most subjective qualities of the human experience. When it comes to matters of the heart, it’s normal to be incredibly confused, so don’t let where you thought you might’ve fallen on the spectrum of attraction in the past influence the way you are thinking about both of these (not) relationships. However, it seems to me that you have found yourself in a bizarre (almost) love triangle, so I think it’s best to look at A and B independent of their relationship to one another.
Let’s tackle A first. I think it’s good to note that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know I’ve spent a break or two over these past four years agonizing over someone, but in those situations, it became incredibly easy to toe the line between a crush and idealization, especially when I didn’t find myself in consistent contact with the object of my infatuation. You mentioned that you are hoping to get closer to A, which tells me that you could be at a higher risk of throwing on the rose-colored glasses. I think that the best way to combat this is by finding time for one another, which I know is a lot easier said than done given the schedules of most Vassar students. The tried and true method is asking to grab a meal. Many beautiful friendships of mine were born out of Retreat sushi or a Deece dinner. There’s also never any harm in suggesting a coffee at The Brew or The Crafted Kup. Who knows, maybe you need accompaniment to a show or concert or other event, and I encourage you to extend an invitation to A. All of this is to say that you can’t be sure about anything regarding your feelings for this person until you actually get to know them. Maybe your attraction will intensify, maybe you’ll spark a beautiful friendship, or maybe you’ll find out they’re actually really boring. Regardless, you’ll never really know how you feel until you know who they are.
Now let’s look at this from the B side of things. Do you find that B acts this way often? More specifically, is this extreme friendliness something you have observed in their interactions with others? If the answer is yes, they may just have a case of the flirty personality. Some people are just naturally charismatic and warm, so I encourage you to assess whether or not this behavior is specific to their interactions with you. This isn’t to say that they’re not flirting with you, but it is definitely something to consider. Part of me wonders if you could be to B what A is to you in terms of having a crush, and although that can indicate an awkward situation further down the road, I encourage you to not stress over it. At the end of the day, what you don’t know—or what you haven’t been told explicitly—cannot hurt you. You can have your suspicions that B is flirting with you, but until their feelings are made apparent in terms of a conversation or confession, you have no reason to be concerned. And, if things are made explicitly clear, you should never shy away from being honest about how you feel. However, I believe my aforementioned advice still stands when looking at it from this angle, too. You can’t be sure about your feelings for this person, or their feelings for you, until you actually get to know them. And so, my dear Vexed Ventricular Vessel, you have found yourself in a classic “cross that bridge when you get to it” situation.
In terms of how you should proceed, I actually wouldn’t think too much about the flirtation or romance of it all. I encourage you to see the value of friendship and platonic love over anything else. A is someone you would like to get closer to, B is someone who seems to want to be closer with you, and A and B are friends. The common denominator in your relationships with both of these individuals is a matter of friendship, and you are in control of whether or not you want to venture beyond the platonic and into the romantic. Go forth and explore these relationships in greater depth, and most importantly, have fun meeting new people and expanding your social circle!
Best,
Leah