Aries: Oh no! You have a big event tonight that you COMPLETELY forgot about. The only thing you
have to wear is… Shaileine Woodley’s Balenciaga jumpsuit from the 2026 Emmy’s?! Yikes!!!
Taurus: Enjoy what nature has to offer this week. Take the scenic route to class, sit outside with friends—you could even relax on a bench! But please, if you happen to be under a tree, try to avoid the squirrels above that will attempt to concuss you with nuts. They’re not your friends. They have an agenda.
Gemini: Try making more friends! Here’s a tip: Go to the library and sit at the same table as someone. And I’m not talking JUST at the same table. Sit in the seat directly next to them and make unblinking eye contact while they do their work. Extra points if you stay completely silent. Soon, you’ll be the most popular kid on campus!
Cancer: Have you ever noticed the giant puddle in front of Jewett when it rains? This week only, if you jump in, you’ll be transported to another dimension! To where? Who knows! Maybe it’s a wonderful place where Street Eats is open for dinner, or where VassarOne will remember your login info…
Leo: You need to join the Savannah Bananas. Who cares if you’ll have to drop out of school and move to the South? This is your chance to live out your dreams of doing the splits in bright yellow baseball pants and NOT you procrastinating on your English paper. Go Bananas!
Virgo: Please stop pretending to be a squirrel by sitting in a tree for three hours and throwing nuts at people. Trust me, you don’t want to be the first person to send someone to the ER while cos-squirreling. Next time, do your character study on Patrick Bateman and not Surly from “The Nut Job.”
Libra: Are you tired of eating lunch at the Deece every day? You should try photosynthesis! That’s right, just sit outside on the grass and soak up all those yummy sun nutrients. Have humans ever photosynthesized? Don’t look it up, it’s probably fine.
Scorpio: No, your research project into the first straight man who graduated Vassar with a degree in women’s studies isn’t “groundbreaking.” No, he’s not a “performative male final boss.” His name is Phil, he’s 48, and he lives in Kalamazoo with a wife and two kids.
Sagittarius: This week, you should unleash your inner child. Have a pillow fight with your roommate! Jump on your bed and annoy all your neighbors! Spend hours doing your math homework while you imagine you’re sitting with your dad at the dinner table, and he’s yelling at you every time you get an answer wrong! Happy (week after) Families’ Weekend!!!
Capricorn: Everything you read today will be in hieroglyphics. I guess the universe has decided it’s time for you to learn a new language! Who doesn’t want to learn how to spell their name with a bird in it? Look! Here’s my name: 𓃭𓇋𓊃𓄿. Now translate this for practice! 𓏏𓉔𓅂 𓊪𓅂𓂋𓋴𓅱𓈖 𓏏𓂋𓄿𓈖𓋴𓃭𓄿𓏏𓇋𓈖𓎼 𓏏𓉔𓇋𓋴 𓋴𓅓𓅂𓃭𓃭𓋴
Aquarius: Knock, knock! (Who’s there?) Lettuce! (Lettuce who?) Lettuce discuss the fact that you have a paper mache model of the solar system for your Observational Astronomy class due in two days. Put this article down and do it. Yup, sorry, I’ll tell you more (amazing, top-tier, comedy gold) knock-knock jokes when you finish.
Pisces: If you see a cigarette butt on the sidewalk, DON’T pick it up. There is a CRC member waiting in the bushes, and if you do pick it up, they will chloroform you and send you to Naughty Student Jail for the night (AKA the Raymond Murder Room).