Humor & Satire

Wannabe grad shares future plans

By Hannah Gaven – 3 months ago

Even though I still have three years left in college, I have a bunch of plans after graduation. First, I’m going to drop acid, snort heroin and drink crack because…

This isn’t an article about finals

By Blair Webber – 3 months ago

As the headline for this article suggests, this is not a 700- to 800-word article about finals. It will not mention the massive workloads, nor the panic associated with waking…

Horoscopes– 5/10

By Hannah Gaven – 3 months ago

Aries The stars tell me one of your family members is coming to help you pack. Remember to take the flogger down from its place of honor above your bed…

Chronic weakling transforms into magnificent MMA god

By Abby Knuckles – 4 months ago

I have many admirable qualities, but I can’t count athleticism among them. My ventures into organized sports consisted of a brief stint on my fourth-grade basketball team and an utterly…

Horoscopes– 5/2

By Hannah Gaven – 4 months ago

Aries You may be feeling the need to kiss a frog this week. That’s totally normal! You will have a marvelous adventure with your one true love, eventually attaining your…

Some nice advice from the Mice of Main

By Hannah Gaven and Josie Schermerhorn – 4 months ago

Dear Mice of Main, How do I have an orgy outside? I want to get in at least 15 minutes of vitamin D a day, but I’m unsure about the…

Horoscopes– 4/25

By Hannah Gaven – 4 months ago

Aries You may be feeling guilty about your environmental waste after enjoying the Earth Day festivities. So instead of buying that fresh hat you’ve been lusting after, make one out…

Prospective student stuns all, parades as coffee bean

By Blair Webber – 4 months ago

With May 1 rapidly approaching, another cycle of the ceaseless pageantry and competition that is the college admissions process draws to a close. Admitted applicants now enter the stage of…