The Misc’s Bedside Astrologer (Holiday Edition!) 12/13/12

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): For Hanukkah this year, Sagittarius, you will be given the greatest gift of all: being at Vassar instead of home, so that you don’t have to watch your little brother gloat about how he gets to light the candles. (Even though he ALWAYS gets to light the candles, Mom.)

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Start planning your New Year’s Eve party now, Capricorn. Things that are hot this year: baggy jeans, streamers and pizza bites. Things that are so not hip this year: Mosquitos, Anderson Cooper and pop music.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Christmas shopping can be a very stressful time, Aquarius. But do you know what’s even more stressful? BEES. THOUSANDS OF BEES.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Why yes, Pisces, the uncle who is steadfast in his use of the term “Red China” will indeed be at Christmas Eve. I recommend spending another year pretending you’re a Physics major and not a Hispanic Studies/Jewish Studies double.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Stop laughing every time your friend goes “Ho ho ho!” He isn’t imitating Santa; he has a legit respiratory issue.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Taurus, did you know Kwanzaa has two “a’s” at the end? Probably not, because you’re famously bad at spelling. My advice is to buy a freakin’ dictionary.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You understand the significance of Hanukkah gelt less than anyone I’ve ever met, Gemini. They’re more than just chocolate coins, okay? They’re also the world’s number one source of annoying gold-colored foil bunches you step on at night.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancer, do you ever think about how your astrological sign is a giant crab? That’s, like, kind of hilarious.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Your dad definitely wants a tie for Christmas, Leo. That inevitable look of disappointment in his eye will be just because he’s so unsatisfied with you as a person, not necessarily the gift itself.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): We get it, Virgo, we get it: your dreidel is made out of clay.

Libra (September 23-October 22): You may want to add some spice to your holiday traditions this year, Libra. Normally, your family eats Chinese food and goes to a movie, right? This year, you should eat a VHS cassette, and then go to Beijing and people-watch some Chinese citizens. New twists on old traditions!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Try not to get caught lingering under the Misc-letoe this year, Scorpio. Happy holidays, y’all!

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