The Miscellany News

In the month of February, Cappy will begin traveling, both abroad and spiritually. She was overheard last weekend drinking homemade iced tea out of a mason jar at Ferry Haus jazz night saying, “This is an exciting time for me. I really want to explore the world…and my new hipster identity.” With her natural penchant towards both glasses and scarves, many Vassar students agree that this transition was a long time coming. “It seemed like she started dressing a little differently after she came back from October Break,” said Adrian Adams ’15. “I mean, does she even need those glasses?” “She’s really gotten into the Vassar music scene after she joined Sol as a back-up trombonist,” added Erica Hamilton ’13. “She rocked that Mug show last month. Her rendition of ‘Funky Uncle Pantsuit’ was incredible.”

Cappy will first take her street art talents to Europe over the month of February by accompanying elusive street artist Banksy to various cities focusing on the social, political, and puppet-related issues of Berlin, London and Copenhagen. “Street art has become really important to me, like personally,” she said in an interview with the Vassar Alumni Quarterly. “When my posters on the TA Bridge barricade (not the expletive statements concerning the police force, but the cartoons about pipes) were painted over by B&G it was a very painful time for me. I feel that working with Banksy will give me a level of freedom I did not have at Vassar.” Cappy plans to show photos of her work next fall a series of “Late Night at the Loeb” events called “The Scarf and Me.”

In the weeks after March break, she plans to go undercover as a senior Media Studies and Art History double major at Wesleyan University to “uncover their weaknesses and take them down from the inside.” Cappy will enroll at Wesleyan as a transfer student named Phoenix, live in junior housing and play on the Quidditch team, but “only if they let me be a Seeker, or else it’s not worth it.” “The best way to know your rival is from the inside,” said Vassar Director of Admissions Shira Huang. “The administration strongly support Cappy’s infiltration.” “I’m a little excited to go to football games, I’ll be honest,” said Cappy to Misc reporters. “It’s going to be very interesting to relive my college days; I’m sure hijinks will ensue. Can’t wait to beat up some nerds.” Cappy then clenched her fists and screamed “NERDSSSSS” for 13 minutes.

In April, Cappy will pack her trombone and vintage French horn and climb on the tour bus on the Midwest leg of the Walker Family Band tour. As we all obviously know, the Vassar musical favorite made it big last month when a two second clip of their original song was used by recording artist Ke$ha in her hit song, “[Glitter]Party & Bluegrass.” “They are just amazing to work with,” said Ke$ha, before adding “No, I still won’t come play at your spring concert, can everyone at Vassar please get off my back.” “I am so excited for this amazing opportunity to take part on such a major tour,” said Cappy, “I’m especially excited for the Chicago and Madison shows where we perform on the same stage as Justin Bieber.” Avid readers of Cappy’s Twitter know that she is a self-diagnosed “Beliber,” and often retweets the intellectual musings of the young superstar. “He’s just been an inspiration,” said Cappy, “I don’t know if I will be able to keep it together when I meet him on tour. I think my dream would have him join the Board of Trustees to help guide the future of Vassar. More perfect hair, less science buildings!”

In related news, the skilled reporters (still hackers) from The Miscellany News team have recently uncovered the secret “Vassar President’s” contract. Vassar’s first president, Milo Jewett, protected his contract so well that when a band of students tried to steal it one infamous graduation day he stuffed the paper into his mouth rather than give it up. That’s how he died. FACT. Now, one copy of the official President’s contract is hidden under lock and key in a crypt in a secret vault hidden behind a door submerged in Sunset Lake and the other is encrypted in that secret section of Ask Banner that used to show your grades like, five days early. Apparently, the contract includes a special “Streep Clause” that forces each Vassar president to work as Meryl’s personal assistant for at least two weeks a year. Therefore, in the last weeks of April, Cappy will trek out to the filming site of Meryl’s latest film and deal with the star, her thirty kittens that she insists on at every film set (umm, wouldn’t you?), and her talent (which gets its own trailer).

Cappy reportedly told the Founder’s Day Merchandise Committee that she is purposefully returning early in May because she would “never ever ever miss Founder’s Day. Are you nuts? It’s like a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.” She formally requested that the committee save her a sweatshirt but “only if it has Cheshire Cat ears on the hood because that is a super adorbz idea.”