Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The stars predict a lot of good luck coming your way, Aquarius, assuming that you broaden your definition of “good” to include anything that isn’t scorpions in your hair or the plague.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): You lack motivation, Sagittarius. Good! Good! It’s about time you gave up on your delusions of basic human competency. You should be spending your largely-worthless time watching British sitcom after British sitcom on Netflix, eating Keebler Elf cookies and string cheese until the men come to take you away.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You’re going to get hit by a bus. Don’t act so surprised, we all saw this coming—you’re just BEGGING to be hit by a bus.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your homemade shampoo is attracting bees, because your homemade shampoo is literally just honey. That’s why bees keep stinging you. How have you not made this connection yet?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Gemini, you need to expand your perspective on life. Go travel to distant lands! Learn a new language! Or at least leave Cushing more than once a week…
Cancer (June 21-July 22): No, Cancer, I don’t want to go see “Disney on Ice” with you, please stop asking.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings, Leo. However, every time you don’t respond to one of my emails, Dick Cheney gets five bucks. Think about it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): No, my left, not your left.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You may want to reconsider naming your band something other than “Posthumous Anal Leakage,” Libra. It may not distinguish you enough from other barbershop quartets.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Listen, Scorpio, I just told Cancer the exact same thing: I DO NOT want to see “Disney on Ice” with you, OK? Period. I don’t care if your uncle is playing Jafar—wait, he’s playing Scar? That changes everything…PYSCHE I’m not going, stop asking you LOSER. LOSER. LOSER.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You have never once used the word “logistically” correctly in a sentence, Pisces. It is not a synonym for “sexily.” It has never been a synonym for “sexily.”
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Hey, Capricorn, I was wondering…um…if you wanted to go out sometime. Yeah? Wow, great, cool! Maybe we could do dinner and a movie and—what? No, anything but that. Please. Anything but “Disney on Ice,” I beg of you…