What to do and where to do it: A guide from Mr Bouchard

The world abounds in beauty if you simply take the time to see.” – Mahatma Gandhi (Or Benito Mussolini…or Springsteen. Don’t remember; it’s one of those big guys.)

 

My friends, we are blessed to live on such a magnificent campus. Even those of us who actually worked hard to get here (i.e. don’t have the last name of Rockefeller/Sanders/Schwarzenegger) should feel pretty lucky. And yet, rare is the Vassar student who truly takes advantage of what this campus has to offer. Too often do I hear of an Italian major who spends every night flipping flash cards in her room, or the sophomore who considers a trip to the Deece a major outing. People, people—if you’re spending all your time in the same three buildings, day after day, you’re missing out! Well, never fear, true-believers, because your gracious Humor Editor has taken time out of his busy schedule of watching Downton Abbey and not shaving to compile a helpful guide to the most advantageous places on campus!

 

Places to get work done.

One of the first challenges college freshmen encounter is the quest for a productive study space. For some, it can take weeks to find that perfect couch in the Rose Parlor or just the right seat in UpC. For others, it can take until the final week in senior year, when they finally discover that, omg, we have a library. There’s no wonder that this task proves so difficult for so many—often, you want to hit that perfect mixture of not-too-busy a location so as to distract yourself from work/Facebook, but busy enough that people see you working and you can feel good about yourself for being on The Onion for four hours. Here are some productive work spaces you may have overlooked in your endless search:

1. The Mug. That’s right, The Mug, during one of its dance nights, is actually a fantastic place to hone your skills as a scholar. You’ll be working in a high-stress, high-sweat environment, racing to complete your problem set in the brief flashes of the strobe light as the guy next to you touches your face and screams, “HEY I SAW YOU IN MY MARKET ONCE, WANNA DANCE.” After a few study sessions at Middle School Mug Night, in-class exams are going to be easier than spotting people losing the will to live while waiting in Deece lines.

2. The VSA office. No more luxurious place on campus to finish your reading than the Bill Gates-esque mansion of the VSA office. Perched on top of Rainbow Mountain in the heart of the Golden Kingdom, the VSA office is like a museum fused with an amusement park fused with a late-Renaissance French palace, featuring the latest in comfort technology: massage robots, Cheetos cannons, marble jacuzzis, and one sometimes-working coffee machine.

3. Not the 24 hour room. Wayyyy too much sexual tension. And crying. And science majors (you know…those kids who are always crying).

 

Places to hide…things.

I don’t care what you’re hiding. Seriously, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna hear it. All I know is we all got things to hide and a need for places to hide them. Big or small, illegal or just plain weird, here’s where to hide your terrifying things:

1. Inside Roellke’s desk. Who would think to look for your cursed monkey’s claw/lewd classroom drawings/Nazi memorabilia in the Dean of the College’s office? Well, everyone now, but do it anyway.

2. The SoCos. Because it’s impossible to find something in a place where literally no one has ever gone.

 

Places to have intercourse.

When your bed is just too boring and the Joss Beach Sex Tree is just too full of bees and thorns, there is a selection of sensual spaces that the Vassar campus has to offer:

1. The security golf carts. Nothing spices up your probably really boring love life like a cramped, dangerous knocking-of-the-ole’-boots on top of the uncomfortable, Mountain Dew-drenched seats of a moving security golf cart car transport thing. Warning: The cart only has two settings—Parked, and KILL ALL STUDENTS ON THE PATH.

2. The Old Observatory. No place more romantic to perform the Horizontal Monster Mash than a building oriented towards the stars. Just be aware that you will have to deal with the surly ghost of late astronomer and Vassar professor Maria Mitchell, who will interrupt your love-making to complain about having a first name for a last name.

3. The VSA office. I just think it’d be funny.

 

Places to go more often.

1. The Lehman Loeb Art Center. Wednesday is Free Piece of Art Day. Right? I didn’t just steal that painting, right?

2. Jewett 329. I am so lonely.

3. Not Cushing.

 

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