March Madness is actually a form of psychological and physical distress originating in the Gilded Age; Sir Edwin of Hartford, Conn. had the first recorded case of March Madness in the early 1880s. Symptoms include a high fever, a spontaneous urge to hunt small animals, a slight greenish hue on the sufferer’s kneecaps, and a nasty case of the brackets. March Madness spread down the coast that year becoming an epidemic. Millions died, NBD. And then, like everything else in history, it was stolen by sports media in the mid 20th-century.
Most of the guys I went to high school with and like five or six guys from Vassar participate in this so-called March Madness by studying the science of bracketology (up there with biochemistry). It’s fairly simple: you make brackets, you are totally wrong, and Indiana wins (you saw it here first, I have Bard in second, prep your brackets accordingly). In the recent years this bracketology fever has evolved beyond actual sports. There is snacketology in which gummy bears wrestle Doritos in an unholy mix of sweet and salt. There is some weird bracket about smart phones which no one cares about because people literally only use phones to go on Facebook and take selfies. Jezebel has a bracket in which trends from the 80s are pitted against trends from the 90s and the Buzzfeed editors are silently weeping because they didn’t think of it first. We have officially gone bracket crazy. It’s actual madness. In this madness, however, one bracket is missing: Vassar bracketology.
I know we don’t really do trends (the lack of a Cappy Harlem Shake video still hurts me a little) and sports (I’ll just throw that out there) but this is a great way (the only way, really) to figure out the actual best thing at Vassar. I’m so excited about Vassar bracketology that I will even share some of my regional picks for the first round of competition.
Vassar Bracketology, Division 1(?)
Womp-Womps vs. Sunset Lake: In the first round, Team Womp-Womp takes on Sunset Lake. First of all, womp-womps, like unicorns, shouldn’t be real (they don’t sound like a real thing, like what is the Latin name for womp-womp?: wompicus wompisus? Yeah, not real). They are impressive in that they have adapted to campus life better than the typical freshman. Sunset Lake with its natural occurring fireworks and abundance of grass should historically be the easy winner here, but it was mysteriously emptied last semester (Witchcraft! Damn Quidditch team!). I predict an easy win for the womp-womps.
New THs vs. Open Curriculum: I’ve been in these houses. They have so much room, are so nice, have granite counters and marble showers, are painted with gold and each one comes with its own butler. But not taking math always wins. Always. Open Curriculum takes it.
Tasty Tuesday vs. the Quad: Tough match up in this round for both teams. Tasty Tuesday is like delivery for people too lazy to call a delivery service (me). The empanadas just…come to you. It’s like Christmas without the awkward parts. However, almost nothing can win against the Quad in the spring. Pretending to do homework outside instead of inside the dorms is always thrilling. I predict a decisive win for the Quad.
Bacios Delivery vs. Primal Scream: Another tough match-up, but I’m fairly sure that super late night pizza always beats naked people whether they are running through the library or spinning fire.
Shiva Rave vs. October Break: In the category of things that don’t exist anymore we have the Shiva Rave. Notorious for really no reason (People just love anything with the word rave in it. “Homework Rave?” “Yeah!”) it has now moved on to become of Vassar’s long and confusing history. I predict a win for October break because guess what, in society, it’s not a real thing! We are basically the only school that gets that random week off. (Someone please, PLEASE make the movie “October Breakers.” Would watch.)
Founder’s Day vs. the Library: Vassar bracketology experts may predict an easy win for Founder’s Day here, but I think that the Vassar Library will put up a good fight because, well…have you seen it? That thing is gorgeous. It is so much prettier than any of us would ever be in bulding form. It is the reason why we are relevant/on all those Huffington Post lists/why I actually write essays. What other library has a freakin’ meditation (read: sex) room? And feminist stained glass art? Sadly, Founder’s Day will eventually win this match-up, because free beer. Free beer and children’s carnival rides.
UpC vs. the Retreat: LULZ JK NO CONTEST.