One student’s unimaginably depressing spring break recap

Ah, spring break! The perfect time of year to whip out that parka, take a stroll in the white snow, and dunk your head into a mug of hot cocoa to prevent frostbite of the face. Yep, nothing like two whole weeks of a dark, gray sunless sky. More like Spring BLEAK, amirite?

Anyway, if you think I let some lack of warm weather ruin my plans to get down and dirty in one of the spring break capitals of the United States—Ohio—then you, sir or madam, are greatly mistaken. I have never in my 20 years of “living” let Mother Nature dictate my fun, and I wasn’t about to start now. For example, I DO like Piña Coladas and you bet your sweet ass I like getting caught in the rain (singing, even), so what difference does a little snow and some icy winds and my fear of snow and icy winds make?

Also, Northeast Ohio really only gets one day of spring until summer when the temperatures shoot up drastically and you’re left with this feeling that God is punishing you for wanting the snow to stop and then wishing for warmth. Cold or Hot: Take your pick because you only get a comfortable living environment never.

But I digress.

Here are some ideas on how you can get the most out of you next wintry spring break like I did in Some-suburb-you-wouldn’t-recognize-if-I-told-you-so-I’ll-just-say-Cleveland.


1. Beach attire.

I wore it. You gotta get in that white sandy beach state of mind somehow, even if all you can see from your bedroom window is ice and slush. And if you think going shirtless and wearing swim trunks, or perhaps, you know, just letting it all hang out banana hammock style isn’t appropriate for below 30-degree weather, well, I wouldn’t want to build sandcastles in the frozen earth with you anyway.


2. Sleep.

They say we need it for health reasons, but I don’t know anything about that. I do know, however, that spring break is designed for you to cram half of a semester’s worth of sleep into two weeks. Hitting the sack at about 3am and waking up five days later will leave you feeling pumped and refreshed to hit those all night parties that I was never invited to or told about (I’m looking at you, Mom). Seriously, I’ve received Facebook invites only to be uninvited 2 minutes later when the event creator realized they had made a terrible mistake. That is my real, not-sitcom life.


3. Wet T-shirt contest.

At this time of year, many young people look forward to either getting doused in water or holding the hose at one of these events. In Florida. Where it’s warm. Do what you will out in the cold, but I managed to partake in what many would consider a spring break tradition in a nice warm house. Admittedly, this was completely by accident: I tripped and fell, fully clothed, into the bathtub as the shower was running. It took me a couple of minutes to realize what happened and, next thing you know, I’m standing in front of the mirror staring at an image that no one ever needs to see. That totally counts as a Wet T-shirt contest and I still won, despite all the tough competition (my cats. All of my cats.)


4.Drinks on drinks on drinks.

By which I mean I found a bottle of beer left over from the Super Bowl in my family’s fridge. Although, I’m not entirely sure which Super Bowl, and I can’t be completely sure whether or not it was actual beer. I mean, it was in a bottle; it fizzed, so I drank it. Then I spent the night throwing up and hallucinating I was in New Orleans. That’s kinda like what happens on spring break, right?


5. Friends.

You can’t really do spring break alone…unless you’re me. Now don’t start crying. I had a total of one friend at home who I hung out with once. And we had such a crazy time, let me tell you! First, we got milkshakes (with one straw!), because that’s what you do when it’s cold outside and you can’t really feel your fingers. And then I took her home. Whew…man it doesn’t get wilder than that! And if it does, please don’t tell me and burst my bubble.


6. FOOD.

Glorious food. Taco Bell and Chipotle and Applebees and everything good in the world. If it had a logo on it, I’m pretty sure I consumed it. And if it was green I tried my best to stay away from it. You only have to be healthy when there’s sun outside. And for that one day of sunshine, I recall eating something with lettuce. (Fact: It was a taco.)


7. Reality check.

OK, maybe my spring break wasn’t that great and maybe no one wants my advice. But hey, I got to watch reruns of Chopped. So it’s a win in my book.

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