Aries (March 21-April 19): There is absolutely no way to prove that you aren’t a bearded old man in a staightjacket sitting in an insane asylum hallucinating this pathetic fabrication you call your life, Aries. But yeah, no big deal, go back to worrying about that film essay and eating enough fiber. That’s definitely more important. Yeah.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): The stars predict a lot of fantastic things happening to you today, Libra, including—wait, you’re not Libra? You’re Taurus? Hold on, let me check my chartHOLYMOTHEROFPEARL haha WOO you are in for a DOOZY today, kid. WOW. I’ll keep my fingers crossed but, yeah, you’re totally screwed.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): What is Gemini, again? Some sort of crab constellation? Or a sea-goat? Which one of you guys is a sea-goat?
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You and I are close, Cancer. We share everything with each other. But the stars…they say you’re hiding something from me. So be honest, Cancer—is there something you should be telling me? I just want to know if…I mean, you’d…you’d tell me if you were the SayAnything mod, right? Right?!
Leo (July 23-August 22): No, Leo, you’re insane: grape-flavored Jolly Ranchers are clearly the best. Lemon? Really?! What is this, a Siberian prison?
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You smell like chum, Virgo. What’re you using, Chum Deodorant?
Libra (September 23-October 22): You can accomplish a lot today, Libra. Put your mind to the task and see what you can do. What the stars are trying to say is: Literally do anything that isn’t eating Nutter Butters and masturbating and your life will improve dramatically.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Just as you feared, Scorpio—everyone really DOES hate you. Even your best friend? Especially your best friend. She hates you most of all. She steals from your wallet ALL the time. Hey, she’s doing it right now!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Hey, fun fact: Everything is illuminated.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Oh! YOU’RE the sea-goat. Sorry. It’s hard to tell sometimes because, you know, you’re all stars or something.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): No, Aquarius, you can’t do your thesis on “Gilmore Girls,” you’re a chem major. Stop asking.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Things have really been turning around for you, Pisces. You’ve had a string of good luck lately. A little too good. Get ready to be t-boned in traffic next week.