Law and Order: SVU, a glorious piece of cinematic artwork that features the amazing acting talents of such great masters as Ice-T, always ends with a disclaimer that lets you know that the preceding events were fictional and New York is not actually a city filled with clowns who have homicidal foot fetishes. For my own personal disclaimer precluding this article, I would like to emphasize that I know very little about science and that much of what I am going to write is hypothetical and based off of little to zero fact, kind of like claims that UFOs, Snooki, or the Yeti exist. Which, obviously, is ridiculous because the Yeti is totally real, but you get it.
“They” (i.e, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Glen Coco, that dog who went to space because Russia was short on humans, and other important people) say that humans only use 10% of their brain. Despite knowing very little about actual science, I know my basic facts, like how the human body is 80% water. I also answer all test questions I don’t know the answer to with “photosynthesis.” Obviously, I am qualified to have philosophical thoughts on scientific matters on a regular basis. I usually start to think about the 10% claim when I am studying for a test, or trying to fill out an important government form—it makes absolutely no logical sense that I still know every word to Hilary Duff’s debut album “Metamorphosis” but that I have no idea what the last four digits of my social security number are. Yesterday I forgot what year it was. Really.
So the question is, here at our scenic liberal arts college located in the heart of the Hudson Valley, what would happen if we used, say, 50% of our brains? My scientific hypothesis is stated as follows: I think things might change unless of course I am proved wrong and then I take it back. For example, campus-wide issues such as the TA bridge would be addressed. If Vassar students could use more of their brains, they would realize that Vassar is clearly just playing an elaborate prank on its student body, in which they keep a camera pointed at the sewage pipe and the faculty uses the footage of people falling into the “unpolluted” steam as stress relief. We could probably also come together to form a solution, such as a zip line that runs from Main to the TAs or maybe jet packs fueled by political correct-ness.
I believe a lot of our new brain power could also be applied to the issue of campus housing and dining. It’s well known that thinking really hard burns 10,000 calories every twenty minutes. This is why the one time that I was in the library for 6 hours straight with only a large bag of grapes; I lost 32 pounds and was offered a contract with Victoria’s Secret. But that’s beside the point; with our new collective brain power, we could actually remember the hours that the Bean is open. Even more impressively, we could consistently FIND where the Bean is! AND we would be equipped with the Domino’s phone number at all times, and would be able to decide in an instant what three medium-sized one topping pizzas from the 5-5-5 deal to eat alone in our room while kind-of studying for the midterm you have tomorrow but mostly just watching Youtube videos of Nicolas Cage yelling at people. Your unbelievably tiny single will no longer be an issue, because you will realize that you can just set up an extra bedroom in the Meditation Room in the library that comes with free body sized pillows (NEW BOYFRIEND).
You would also know that the best way to solve the issue of a roommate who is fooling around with their significant other WHILE YOU ARE IN THE ROOM is NOT to quietly wait there and pretend you are asleep, nor is it to pretend to have a coughing attack. The correct response, you will see with your new brain power, is to go over to said couple and just casually attempt to plank on top of them, demanding that it be photodocumented. They will be so impressed by your creative use of a slightly outdated meme that they’ll want to take a picture and a fun conversation will ensue, all awkwardness gone.
Considering that I am a person who regularly puts their wallet in their backpack the night before to “be prepared” and then spends the five minutes before leaving for class frantically tearing my room apart wondering where on earth I put my wallet, any input on how to use more of this brain of mine is appreciated. Because I’m not getting rid of those Hilary Duff lyrics.