The VSA election season fills me with bitter regret. I always wish I ran for a position in my four years here because…power. I never actually ran for anything for two reasons: I am still scarred from my colossal loss of the fifth grade class election and… I’m lazy. So unimaginably lazy. In the end, I always end up voting for the person with the most awesome name (like Casper!), or sometimes for the person that like, actually wrote a statement (show-off). I will vote for it extra hard if it equals or outshoots the length of Tolstoy’s “War and Peace”. In any case, I would be an awesome candidate because I have big ideas, a lot of heart, and could totally get my fourth cousin Beyoncé to play our spring concert (holidays with the extended family, always awkward without a little wine amirite?). Anyways, I am officially running for all the open positions as of…uh, right now! Candidate statement, let’s go, double-time!
I will continue to expand the whole divestment thing: Guys, fossil fuels is child’s play. Blah blah blah environmental protection global warming giant fireballs blah. Seriously, our grandkids and their grandkids are already totally screwed. Have you met actual children these days? All children do is play on their smart phones and eat XXXTRA FLAMIN’ HOT Cheetos Cheese Flavored Snacks (TM). They don’t really need, like, trees and stuff. They will easily adapt to fiery wastelands of doom as long as they have iPads and hit cartoon movies like Finding Nemo’s Uncle’s Friend.
On a more serious note, have you looked into Vassar’s actual investment portfolio? We are deeply invested in some really horrible companies. Just look at our investments in Deer Culling which is backed by the Koch Foundation which is backed by Voldemort. Way worse than some old dinosaur bones. We are so focused on fossil fuels that we don’t realize we are invested up to our eyeballs in good ol’ fashioned pure evil. Even investments that seem safe are actually evil as well. Vassar has some large investments in the familiar Taco Bell corporation which is owned by Pepsi which is owned by Coke which is owned by Kim Jong Un. Crunch Wrap Supreme for the Supreme Leader? Did no one else really ever put that one together? Seriously, where do you think the big NK got their cash money from? Would you like some extra mild salsa with that totalitarian taco? As an elected VSA official, I would divest from all the evil and invest in Kony 2012 (just kidding, it would be a calculated combination of investments in windmill farms, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, and vinyl records that play dubstep remixes of Stevie Wonder. It’s cool Goldman Sachs, I gotchu buddy).
I will construct a TA Bridge with my two bare hands: Seriously though, it just takes some hard work and a little wood and…nails, I’m guessing? How hard can building a bridge be? Earlier I cooked popcorn in my kitchen without burning (most of) it, and honestly I am 99% sure that is more difficult. Side note: I applied for a job at Home Depot the other day (post-grad life looks bright and promising) and said I was an expert at building things (because I am, obviously). So, building an entire bridge would look awesome on my resume. Short on materials? This seems like the ideal moment in Vassar history to come up with a creative building solution using basic items you can find on the street or in your roommate’s personal belongings, like mattress frames (floor beds are so hip), to-go boxes, and goat cheese empanadas. Instant and delicious new bridge!
I will create a safe space for people with allergies: In the plethora of Vassar clubs and orgs, there is one thing clearly missing—clubs for people with lots of allergies! Seriously, allergies are real life. Every day, many people suffer tremendously because they can’t eat ice cream, or bread, or bees! These restraints make ordering a sandwich at the Retreat nearly impossible. As a VSA elected official I will push for the creation of two important organizations: The Association for Lactose Intolerance Tolerance and The Gluten Free Market which will fill this important and unfortunate gap in VSA programming.
So yes, please vote for me for all of the available positions and I promise to lead with passion and with above average effort. Levine 2013: Where There’s a Jill There’s a Way. Sorry that was horrible, puns are the worst (JK read any other thing I’ve ever written). But seriously, if you think of a better clever campaign slogan that uses my name I will buy you a sandwich. The sandwich may or may not be of the peanut butter and jelly variety and may or may not be made in my kitchen. I will buy (make) you that sandwich despite the fact that after writing for the Humor Section for one solid and wonderful year I’ve effectively killed all my chances at public office, on any level, ever, in the future. Anyways, I hope everyone made informed decisions at the actual VSA election earlier this week, learned a lot about the voting process and in the end voted by clicking randomly with their eyes closed, because everyone needs a little danger in their life.