Aries (March 21-April 19): We all hear you passive-aggressively sighing over there, Aries. All that sighing won’t bring Macklemore here any faster. You know what will, though? Angry, hurtful, possibly psychotic SayAnything posts. The less factual, the better.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You remind me of one of the characters from my X-rated Smurfs fan fiction. That’s not a compliment.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): There are bright horizons on the future, Gemini! The new episodes of Arrested Development come out AFTER Finals Week! You may get that B-!
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Today, opposites will attract, Cancer. So in your case, keep your eyes open for a nice, good-looking, literate person who may find you attractive somehow.
Leo (July 23-August 22): No, Leo, Spectrana is not the name of a 50s sci-fi movie villain.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Virgo, you have a brilliant mind. Why are you wasting it on a liberal arts education? You could do anything you want; you should be going where they pay the big bucks. I’m referring, of course, to the cassette tape, Polaroid camera, and floppy disk industries.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Today is a great day for romance, Libra. And by romance, I mean watching Maid in Manhattan for the 3rd time this week alone in your room while cry-eating Fig Newtons.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Stop painting with all the colors of the wind and go colonize some people.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You don’t get a horoscope this week, Sagittarius.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): With today’s planetary energies, Capricorn, you can expect a lot of interesting things to happen. First on the list is being viscously slapped in the face with a bunch of bananas again and again. Then, your wallet and phone will be ripped from your pockets and juggled just out of your reach. Finally, you’ll be tossed through a ring of fire and be forced to evade flaming whips from all directions. What I telling you, Capricorn, is today you join the Barefoot Monkeys.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Aquarius, someone told me that the Spring Concert is on 4/20. What a hilarious joke! I mean, they would never be so foolish as to…wait, what?
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Dude, I can hear you playing Pokemon Yellow in your room every night until 4am. I’m not bothered by the noise, but I can hear you being a sucky trainer. Stop. Just raise an Aerodactyl.