Humor reporters in the field: All the ViCE drams uncovered

A few months ago, the editors of the Misc invited me to a secret meeting in one of the lesser known small rooms of the Deece. I carefully placed my plate, overflowing with Eggs All Day and Deece cake, on the table and sat down. The gist of the meeting was this: Jill, they said, we need an undercover reporter and you’ve been so good at reporting real live news that is in no way comedy-related this past year and we have chosen you. I was like, OMG, thanks Misc people, I’m so glad you appreciate my sleuth skillz. The editors exchanged knowing glances and furtively slid a piece of paper across the table. I slowly turned the paper over, revealing a message that said simply, “ViCE Spring Concert.” Before I could get more information, the editors had already disappeared in a flash of blinding green light. I’m a little worried about their connections to Lord Voldemort…probably doesn’t mean anything. I had my assignment.

In order to get the dirt on the spring concert, I needed to find a ViCE Music meeting. I literally had no clue how to do that, except for this weird hunch that they held their weekly meetings in a secret room under Sunset Lake. I watched and waited, until one night I saw a few cloaked figures disappear down a trap door. I crept down behind them and entered a dimly lit room with strange symbols (similar to math) written on the walls. I watched as the hooded figures sat together in the circle and each pulled a pair of long needles from their purse. “Oh my God, what weirdo ritualistic ceremony have I walked in on? Why does this kind of thing always happen to me? This is just way too eerily similar to that party I went to in Ferry Haus that one time.” It turned out that my journalism skills were a bit off that day. I realized this when one of the figures found me cowering in the corner and cheerfully said, “Thanks for coming to the Knitting Society Meeting!” I guess the moisture under the lake is good for merino wool, or something. Damn it, these guys on ViCE were good. Where could they possibly be holding their meetings?

Because I am an undercover journalist of quality, I finally found the meeting place. From SayAnything. Apparently the meetings are open. And have pizza. I’m on to you, ViCE. The meeting I attended was the final meeting, in which ViCE choose the artists for the Spring Concert. The material I am attaching below is extremely sensitive and top secret but whatever.

Deliberations for Spring Concert: These reports are for members of ViCE Music only. ViCE TOTALLY has the ability to easily get any of these artists but we must consider the many complaints and problems that Vassar students will definitely have with all of them.

Taylor Swift: Original concert artist. ViCE had Taylor down for the concert early this year and they were in the midst of finding an agreeable price range. In the span of this three-week negotiation she managed to date and break up with two different members of the ViCE executive board and then refused to play the concert because of “trouble, trouble, trouble”, or, emotions.

Macklemore: Second choice artist until ViCE realized that the t-shirts at the bookstore definitely cost fifty dollars and didn’t want to be publicly shamed. It’s cool though, if you really wanted to see him you could have gone to one of the 300 colleges that booked him this spring (Mainstream, much?)

Nick Cannon: So in right now. Killin’ it on America’s Got Talent. Unfortunately, due to the oversight of one of the freshman members of the concert committee and some grave typos in Emoji correspondence with Cannon’s agents, ViCE ended up booking Nic Cage instead for the gig. Fearing, well, the wrath of Nic Cage, ViCE graciously invited him to the concert anyways, you’re welcome ladies. His agents warn about the use of video cameras during his time at Vassar because, they say: “he has a serious disorder, it’s a compulsion to be in every movie ever – blockbusters, home movies, The Wicker Man, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, go watch the movie your mom took at your fifth birthday party, he’s probably in it.”

DeadMau5: Rejected because the name is offensive to vegans, pacifists, animal rights activists and Republicans. Side note: the opening act would have been 32 kittens playing on the stage to Diplo remixes. I WOULD GO TO THAT.

I left the meeting early but in the end, I heard that they decided to scrap the whole music idea all together and invited a 2011 Wesleyan graduate to come direct a Shakespeare play on Ballantine. Cultural capital, much?! It was an awesome soundtrack to board game night in my TA. I hope the Misc editors let me investigate everything else that goes on around here unnoticed by the general population like ghosts, hook up culture, Retreat milkshakes and more ghosts.

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