Taurus (April 20-May 20): An upcoming social event will help bring you closer to your community, Taurus. It’s called Founder’s Day and you’re going to get your crunk on. The stars got together early this morning (the Big Dipper brought coffee and donuts!) and decided to devote this week’s horoscopes to advice about Founder’s Day. Let’s be honest, you’ll need it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Don’t be swayed by peer pressure today, Gemini. You’re the master of your own fate. Who are your friends to tell you that your fate isn’t eating nine bowls of rum-soaked gummy bears and attempting to nude crowdsurf through every group of people you find?
Cancer (June 21-July 22): No, Cancer, the food vendors WON’T accept payment in “love-and-hugz.”
Leo (July 23-August 22): Today you may feel especially passionate and flirty, Leo. It’s the Molly. Trust the stars, it’s the Molly. Try to stop humping that tree stump and go drink some water, dude.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Where did everyone get those shirts? I want one of those shirts. Is there someone just handing out these shirts or did they actually buy them? Why didn’t I get an email about this? I definitely never got an email about this. FOUNDER’S DAY IS RUINED.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Yo, where’s Katie? Have you seen Katie? Oh man, you guys, we lost Katie! We were supposed to watch Katie and now she’s gone! Call campus security! Call the ROC! Call—wait, what? Katie’s JYA? Oh thank God, we were never going to find her…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Wait, where the hell is Ballantine Field? Is that like Joss Beach?
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Don’t forget the true purpose of Founder’s Day, Sagittarius. It’s meant to celebrate Vassar’s founder, the brewer Marist McWesleyan-Bard.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Let’s play “Spot the Freshmen.” Hint: Find a group of girls with flowers in their hair, arms linked, skipping across the field saying they love Vassar. THERE RIGHT THERE!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Founder’s Day is a great opportunity to tell that special someone how you feel, Aquarius, primarily because he/she probably won’t even remember your pathetic, heartbreaking plea for their love and tender embrace as the only bright, hopeful spot in your tragic, dark future of microwave chicken pot pies for one and Bravo reality television and angry, Eastern European landlords. So there’s nothing to lose!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Remember, Pisces, even if you won’t be on campus on Saturday, you can still have a nice Founder’s Day. Just take the party with you wherever you go. Family reunion? Funeral? Urologist appointment? Every location is a fun location if you listen to sing indie rock loud/off-key enough and wear enough neon yellow leggings.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Founder’s Day always has a rain location, Aries. This year, it’s Jewett 323. Go nuts. Break shit. Lose your mind and go where your body takes you.