Vassar College live RSS feed: No parents, no rules edition

What follows is a text reproduction of the Misc’s Humor and Satire Live RSS feed of main events occurring on campus from the summer of 2013 up until date of current publication.

WHO KNOWS WHEN – Pathways leading to Main Building and the THs put on their own Freshman 15, that tree that smelt of pubescence is GONE, transported to Mars maybe or some place that smells TOO GOOD and needs to be taken down a notch, and the knobby chunk of wood some term a “bridge” to the TAs is still there, bafflingly.

AUG 23rd 10:00am – Cappy pats herself on the back for inconspicuously resuming her presidential position from Body-Double/equally stylish male clone Jon Chenette.

AUG 23rd 10:03am – Chennette consequently suffers a major crisis of identity; refuses to give up high heels; Cappy confusedly reports that she isn’t missing any heels.

AUG 24th 9:00am – Freshmen arrive on campus, blissfully unaware that donning a lanyard over their head marks them as adorable children to a bitter and jealous Senior humor writer for the Misc.

SEP 1st 9:00am – Everyone else arrives back on campus; Seniors report feeling “all of the feels” and also “really sweaty and broke.”

SEP 1st 9:00pm – Parties happen the night before the night before classes, Thunder and lightning occur simultaneously with the planned fireworks, some kid who loves counting the seconds between the flash and bang gets disproportionately upset.

SEP 2nd 4:00pm – I wait until now to take a shower because I’M AN ADULT I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

SEP 3rd 12:00pm – First day of classes, half of the upperclassmen lose all sense of dignity and pride when asked by random considerate Student Fellows if they need help finding a building.

SEP 3rd 3:22pm – LITERALLY EVERYONE receives a package from Mom; the students working the now only semi-real post office consider murder as a viable option for the first time.

SEP 3rd all of this amazing, amazing day – ROSSI’S IS FINALLY OPEN, someone won’t drive their friend to get that good stuff and said friend attempts to cry over sandwich availability.

SEP 4th 4:03am – You post an instagram of a thing at some point, two people like it on Facebook including Aunt Judy, but let’s be honest no one really cares and Judy’s still on windows 98 anyway and her internet explorer 2.0 won’t let her see it, but she just wants you to know she loves you.

SEP 5th 6:59pm – GUYS the Registrar is STILL OPEN TODAY ONLY and they just need you to know this, okay? Say hello and ask them how they are doing, everyone’s so down-to-business all the time and they’re feeling a little down and no one has taken a Hershey’s Kiss from the bowl in like three hours.

SEP 8th 10:00am – Comedy auditions begin. Only 3 people show up, causing existing group members tear their hair out and cry a little more than usual.

SEP 8th 3:30pm – A half hour before closing, THE ENTIRE FRESHMAN CLASS decides simultaneously to audition RIGHT NOW and NOT earlier. The existing members’ initial murmurs of joy turn once again to shrieks of despair, but they’re all bald now and there are no more tears.

SEP 8th 7:30pm – Call back deliberations are concluded, some poor bastard faints because they didn’t anticipate not being able to break to eat for TEN HOURS what is this Yom Kippur? (Spoiler Alert: no it’s not, that’s the next Sunday, challah back to my homies). Note: I am not in any comedy group I just empathize as a hobby. I AM Jewish though.

SEP 8th 11:37pm – I am typing these words literally right now oh my god I think I’ve made a time loop this is too real someone stop my fingers why can’t I end this sentence ok and done.

2 Comments

  1. Hey guys, author here. Just a little edit. I messed up, I’m a terrible Jew. Yom Kippur actually ENDS Sunday not begins then, it starts Friday evening. I screwed up my dates. Just wanna apologize in advance.

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