Having spent a rich three years and exceptionally busy two weeks at Vassar, I think it’s safe to say I’ve experienced the breadth of the “hookup culture”* at our beloved school. I understand the ins and outs of hooking up at Vassar, the “what to do if his/her roommate is home?” questions, etc. However, I have realized that one question has never been satsifyingly resolved. How are you supposed to behave the next time you see a “hook-up?”
Last night, my opening line to a previous hook up was, “Were you lost today?” I had seen him running in circles around the TAs. Instead of assisting him at the time, I used the incident as an alluring opening line, because there is no guy who does not like to have his embarrassing moments pointed out by a previous sexual conquest.
As I would like to avoid having another smoky, fidgety, basement conversation that includes the question, “Are you back together with your ex-girlfriend?” I have enlisted the help of a select few friends and colleagues to compile the following list of tips and tricks. I can only hope you find them as helpful as I do.
#1: “Correct them and pretend they hooked up with [your] twin.” So says a dear pal who is, coincidentally, a twin. For someone without a twin, this might be a tricky move to pull. However, if it works, maybe the person in question will want to hook up with you a second time! What a magical idea that is.
#2: “Thank them for the gift of new life in [your] womb.” Ah, my inventive friend, who may or may not be a compulsive liar. If you posit the new pregnancy to the hookup partner as a positive experience, this might be just the thing to shift your relationship from “friends with benefits” to life partners. I saw it work once on Jerry Springer.
#3: “Put your nail polish in the fridge to make it go on better.” Antonio. While this is an extremely useful tip, I cannot promise it will make the next time you see a hookup any more pleasant or fun. However, from personal experience, I can promise that refrigerating your nail polish does make it lie more smoothly on the nail bed. No one dislikes a smooth top coat, that’s for damn sure.
#4: “Just act friendly, maybe not too much sarcasm.” Interesting advice, friend who knows me too well. When your voice is as illustrative as mine, and you know as many good jokes/aggressively sarcastic comments as I do, it can sometimes be difficult to come off as “casual.” This tip, easily, will be the most difficult to employ. I’ll practice on my housemates. “Do I sound cool or sarcastic?”
In retrospect, maybe the issue at hand is not my inability to have meaningful interactions with people I’ve hooked up with, maybe it is just that the people I hook up with are idiots. I’ll think on it.
*As discussed in length at any House Team training you have ever attended, this word is one of the MOST subjective—so read it as you will. Pump the judgement brakes, bro.